I’m so excited that I finally figured it out, and I can hardly wait to share it with you! Here’s what I’ve learned … and how I introduce it to the women who come to my office for help with Home Improvement (a.k.a., Husband Improvement).
At some point in couples counseling, I will say to the man, “Don’t listen to this part.”
Then I turn to his lady and let her in on His Best Kept Secret,
Men are like small children and dogs.
If they are beaten or shamed, it just makes them avoid us.
They may even cower whenever we come near. Or snap at us.
“On the other hand, if we focus on what they do right and reward them for it, they’ll go out of their way to get that reward again and again and again.”
By this time, the man – although he’s “not listening” – begins to smile and nod enthusiastically. “Ya!!! Do that!!!”
It’s predictable. I have yet to hear a man say he’s offended by my suggestion that his wife should treat him like a dog. And no wonder! Most women are kinder to their pets than they are to the man they love. How odd is that?
Think about it. You’re happy to see your dog at the end of a long day, and you make sure Rover knows it. You talk to him sweetly and scratch him behind his ear. You take time to pet him and make sure he’s fed. You even take him for a walk. And when he’s a “Good Boy,” you reward him with even more attention!
So … husband improvement? There’s really only one way to change a man: Positive Reinforcement. Add something positive to his day.
You can read more details about how to implement this strategy in Ephesians 5 Romance!
Most women have developed a whole series of actions they believe will be motivating & encouraging for their men (husbands & sons, in particular). But most of the time, their guys stay the same … or actually get worse. So what exactly is it that women do that makes their men worse? less responsive? more defensive?
My free “Prelude to a Dance” seminars for women always started with a fill-in-the blank …
* The thing that bugs me most about men is ____________________________.
Then we discuss all the ways we’ve tried to change whatever it is we don’t like about them. None of it has ever worked, of course, but don’t we keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results? Wait! Isn’t that the textbook definition of “crazy?” Yes, I believe it is!
There are several strategies that women try repeatedly in their attempts to change a man. Here’s a very brief list of some of the things we’ve all tried … at one time or another … and the reasons why they don’t work.
Hints. In plain, simple language: “Guys don’t do hints.” Why not? Because they don’t even recognize them! Hints are clouded with Girl Code, which they can’t even being to comprehend. So why rely so heavily on hints when they never work?
We hint that we’d like to go out to eat … or to Hawaii. Our word choices can be so vague that men are often left in the dark about what it is we’re saying … or that we were even saying anything of significance at all!
We say, “Notice anything new?” Which is as dangerous as, “Does this outfit make me look fat?” It feels like a setup to him … like a trap … especially if past conversations have resulted in your anger. Of course, we know that your anger comes from having your feelings hurt. So why not avoid that probability altogether … by setting him up to win right from the start?
One poor husband was painfully unaware of what his wife needed and wanted or even what she liked! He wanted so badly to please her, but he kept tripping over himself in the process. We were talking about their sexual relationship in one very tearful session, and I asked his wife to share with him just one thing that she liked.
She refused and said with an angry tone, “No, I’m not going to tell him. I shouldn’t have to tell him. He should just know. If I tell him, then he’ll do it, but only because I told him to, not because he wants to.”
So her expectation was that he should read her mind? The last I knew, men and women dwell in very different bodies with very different designs. What’s pleasurable to one is not necessarily the most enjoyable for the other. How can he possibly know unless she tells him? … And just exactly what’s wrong with him doing something that he knows would bring her pleasure?
Having said that, I really do understand her struggle. Most women are at least a little ambivalent about their sexuality. However, life is so much easier when we’re direct. I know we weren’t brought up that way, but sometimes we need to acquire new skills … and new confidence … in ourselves and in our partner.
Criticism. Women respond to criticism. It changes us. But men resist it. Always.
For example, I was wearing my favorite periwinkle blue blouse one day, and another woman told me that I really don’t look good in that color. Now I happen to know for a fact that periwinkle blue is actually one of my very best colors. It makes my eyes appear more blue than they already are … and they are already pretty darn blue. No, I’ve not stopped wearing that blouse. But I do make note of what I’m planning to wear on the days I know I’ll be seeing her.
“How crazy is that?” you ask.
Pretty darn. But it’s what we women do.
Men don’t operate that way. Criticism only serves to rally their defensiveness, so it has the opposite effect on them. They’ll go ahead and do it anyway … or avoid the person … or hide what they’re doing.
One thing is sure: Criticizing a man will backfire every time.
Comparison. Many of us – but certainly not all – care way too much about what others are thinking of us … probably because we’re constantly judging one another.
Our standard: our concept of the Ideal Woman. Of course, none of us can measure up to that! And then we expect a man to measure up to the Ideal Woman?
“How crazy is that?” I ask.
Pretty darn. But it’s what we women do.
Comparing our man to the Ideal Woman … or to anyone … is crazy. He’s unique, and God loves him right now … right where he is … exactly the way he is. And if Our Holy God loves him, how can we dare to think we have a better idea? Honestly. We have neither the wisdom nor the power to change ourselves for the better, much less improve on a man … for whom we have no blueprint in the first place.
Nagging. It makes him feel like a little boy. Which makes you feel like his mom. Not helpful for either of you. Enough said.
You’ve probably heard the saying that when a man marries a woman he’s hoping she’ll never change, whereas a woman marries a man hoping that he will.
It’s often more than a hope for her. He may actually be her Main Project.
But men are not projects. They are people.
I don’t like to be the bearer of bad tidings, ladies, but God only created one perfect man so far … and it took Him nearly 60 years to refine him. Okay. Forgive me for bragging about the Love of My Life. I admit he’s not really perfect. He’s just close enough to perfect for me. [Queue country music …]
On the Bright Side, however, if the Lord is doing such a great job on My Cute Boy, I believe He can do the same with yours! Your man can be so much more, and you can actually help him become Your Fearless Leader in the Dance of Romance!
Your man wants to be your Leader in the Dance of Romance … to protect you, guide you, and hold you … to choreograph Your Dance to maximize your pleasure in being with him.
Women have so much influence over a man’s life, and we don’t even realize it! Because much of the time we’re shooting ourselves in the foot. Doing all the things that make him worse (more defensive) … instead of doing things to encourage his self-improvement … things that he actually wants you to do that will naturally shape his behavior in a positive direction!
