What do women want?

what do women want

Women really aren’t that complicated. Most of us – women included – believe that women are more complicated than men. But we’re not nearly as complicated as we seem.

Pretty much everything she wants from you – as even she would confess – has to do with her beliefs about one (or more) of the following three categories:

  • You don’t love and cherish me.
  • You don’t think I’m pretty.
  • You don’t value my feelings.

Bullet Point #1: Love and cherish her.

The first thing a woman wants is to know is that she’s more precious to you than anything else. No, she doesn’t want to run your life. She wants to know – by the reliability of your words and actions – that she’s always at the top. Her hope and prayer is that she runs a very close second to God.

You probably don’t realize just how important your opinion is to her. Despite how it may seem, much her self-esteem depends on what she thinks you think of her. Not what you actually think of her, but what she thinks you think of her. And she makes that determination based on your behavior – all you choose to do – or choose not do – in regard to her.

Bullet Point #2: Tell her she’s pretty.

This point’s the simplest one. Women spend a lot of time, energy, and money trying to look as just pretty as they can. And as she gets older, she’ll start doubting that she could still be attractive to the opposite sex.

If she’s already yours – or if you want her to be yours – you won’t want some other guy beating your time! So tell her yourself that she’s pretty and/or cute … on a daily basis!

Of course, you must be absolutely, positively sincere about whatever you say. Flattery is cheap and meaningless, and she’ll see right through it.

Don’t go there.
Trust me. It’s simply not worth the price.

Bullet Point #3: Just say you are sorry.

A woman’s feelings can get hurt very easily, especially by the man she loves. Her feelings are important, and she needs you to appreciate that about her. In fact, feelings are primary for “most women. When our feelings get hurt, we go into defensive mode. And everyone knows the best defense is a good offense.

So we often look and sound angry when, in fact, our feelings have been hurt. At that point, we’ll either withdraw or attack, depending on our emotional attachment style (See Chapter 9). Hurting her feelings is tantamount to Crushing Her Spirit. Nothing good can happen until Her Spirit has been revived. When you learn how to help her with that, you’ll reap rewards beyond Your Wildest Dreams.

And it only takes three steps:

  1. Notice that you hurt her feelings.
    That means you have to be paying attention, right?
  2. Then say, “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”
    (Note: Say nothing more. Say nothing less.)
  3. If she’s angry and/or yelling at you, you’ll need to say it at a distance.
    If she is crying, move in close and hold her hand or put your arm around her.
    Or if you’re not physically present, you can tell her you wish you were there to hold her hand or to put your arm around her. That works almost as well because this is one of those cases where it’s mostly the thought that counts.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

  • How often do you think men put something ahead of their wife?
  • How often do you think the average guy tells his wife she’s pretty?
  • What is a man’s usual response to tears? to anger?

Learn more now …

It’s Finally Here!

I encourage you to use Ephesians 5 Romance in Daily Devotions with your bride.

I recommend each mate have his/her own copy to highlight & take notes in the margins for further study & discussion.

Men need to take the lead.

You will make your bride feel safe, loved & cherished as you demonstrate your consistent desire to care for her emotionally & spiritually. You will also build your confidence as a leader! So set aside a time to read aloud a chapter each day & engage in discussion.

View the FREE downloadable Discussion Guide here.

 

Solving the Problem

Women can be confusing.
I’m the first to admit that.

We’re also irresistible.
That is by the Creator’s design.

So when things aren’t going well, understanding the problem is key.
Otherwise, you’ll try using a hammer where a screwdriver is needed.

* * * * * * *

Before & After

  • If you notice some character issues, as narcissism, borderline tendencies, before you are married, you still have the option to move on.
  • After you have married, however, you must partner with the Holy Spirit to bring healing & growth to her.

And the first thing He will teach you is how He sees the problem.

* * * * * * *

The Bottom Line

Make sure that how you “understand” the problem
doesn’t become a whole new problem.

Because character issues require very different tools than used for PTSD or for her natural tendency to worry. So make sure you know the difference!

Inside, Outside, Upside Down

Maybe you remember the Berenstain Bears’ Inside Outside Upside Down. I know it well because I read (past tense) it to my three sons. The title describes the way many of us have been misinformed about how to have a successful marriage.

Looking over my journals for the last 20+ years, I can clearly see how much time I’ve spent whining and begging God to do something for me that He’s already done. I’ve pleaded with Him to be with me, to take care of me, and to bless what I’m trying to do.

In short, I’ve looked at my life from a place of need. Trying to talk God into making my life better, even as I tell Him what it should look like. I’ve determined what the outcome should be, rather than asking Him to show me what He has planned and to teach me how to partner with Him. But that is changing. Quickly.

TAKING through self-effort

Many pastors and counselors actively encourage couples to use a “Bottom-Up” model that is totally inside outside upside down!

  1. Tell your mate how you feel and what you want.
    Unspoken assumption: I should get what I ask for.
  2. Plead with God (whine and complain) until He listens to you.
    Unspoken assumption: I need to work hard at getting close to God.
  3. Beg God to do something about your spouse and bless your marriage.
    Unspoken assumption: God must fix your mate before you can be happy.

This approach is not only self-focused, it emphasizes what is wrong. It is past-present focused. And we all know you can’t be looking behind while you walk because you’ll surely stumble and fall.

RECEIVING through Abiding

My journals look a lot different nowadays as I’m learning to abide, to receive, and to give thanks for what God has done for me in Jesus, is now doing in my present circumstances, and has planned for me. In other words, my approach to my relationship with Him is now present-future focused. Hallelujah!

You don’t have to beg God to give you something He’s already promised. Just learn to abide in His love.

  1. Abide means “to remain in, comply with, obey, observe, follow, keep to, hold to, conform to, adhere to, stick to, stand by, act in accordance with, uphold, heed, accept, go along with, acknowledge, respect.”
    Jesus said: “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)
  2. Receive means “to be given, presented with something.” God is the Creator and Initiator of all things. He freely gives us His Love in His Son (John 3:16) through the Holy Spirit (John 16:13). Plus he freely give us grace (Ephesians 1:6), peace (John 14:27), and wisdom (James 1:5).
    Paul wrote:Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them?” For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen. (Romans 11:35-36)
  3. Gratefulness means “warm or deep appreciation for kindness or benefits received; thankfulness for something received from another.”
    Paul encouraged: give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

BOTTOM LINE: Abiding, receiving, and being grateful takes your focus off what’s wrong and puts it on what’s right. Whatever you think about will be magnified, not only in your mind, but in your heart and your actions as well. And it’s the only way marriage can be truly enjoyed for a lifetime … in case you were wondering.