Category:Premarital Education

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Sometimes It’s the Girl

sometimes it's the girl

Women make a lot of assumptions – filling in the blanks with thoughts that paint a negative picture. We usually do it because we’re actually afraid from the beginning … afraid that something will go wrong. So we’re almost relieved when it does. Then we can blame the guy. And that’s so very wrong!

Romance always comes with a test.

Wrapped up in the wonder of Love, we try to protect our precious possession. In doing so, we begin tiptoeing around. Which will raise questions for our partner, of course. Soon they start to wonder about our actions … or our motives … or both.

[callout]Questioning one another’s goodness – or at least
their good intentions – will always lead us down the path to failure.[/callout]

We miscommunicate and don’t know how to untangle it all. We misinterpret. Jump to false conclusions. We “knew it was too good to be true” and begin to seriously doubt Love. We fail to believe the best and begin to assume the worst. We start guessing about everything …

He loves me? He loves me not?
Daisies don’t tell.

Sometimes it’s the girl who messes up. Remembering past pain and disappointments, we withdraw … or we attack. We start guessing – or asking our friends –what we should do next. It’s like we can’t see the forest for the trees. And we don’t even realize it’s our fear – and more particularly, our defense against feeling afraid – that keeps us from having everything we’ve been hoping to have in Love. So we erect walls that no one could possibly hope to scale. The ultimate in self-protection.

[callout]It’s not your fear that ruins your relationship.
The only problem couples ever have is … Defensiveness.[/callout]

If you struggle to create or maintain a Healthy Romance, you are probably afraid of being hurt or getting dumped. And instead of having a healthy conversation about your fear, you’re defensive, building self-protecting walls that not only keep out what’s potentially bad or hurtful, but also everything that’s right and good for you.

[callout]If you are Christians, never forget that you are now saints,
learning to walk in Newness of Life. And behave accordingly.[/callout]

This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. (Romans 3:22-24)

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

  • Looking at people around you – or in the movies or on TV – do you notice a tendency (a) to blame men or (b) to blame women for relationship failure?
  • Why do you think that is?
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Meanwhile, back in the Garden …

Eve deceived

Picking up where we left off … Back in the Garden, the enemy is plotting to spoil God’s Creation. The Lord, of course, knows he’s there because even the enemy is a created being. An angel so impressed with himself – his own beauty, intelligence, power, and position – that he wanted all the glory and honor to go with it. That is, he had enough self-pride to believe he deserved to be God.

Cast from Heaven due to his arrogance, he lost his identity as a Morning Star, and became the Adversary – the enemy who seeks his revenge by distorting God’s created order.

Adam and Eve, however, are unaware of his presence.

So one day, the two of them are strolling through Paradise when they encounter the crafty serpent, who strikes up a conversation with Eve. The enemy knows that the primacy of her emotions will make her an easier target than Adam.

He said to the woman, “Did God really say,
‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
(Genesis 3:1b)

As it turns out, he is right about her. Eve is an easy mark. She replies that God said they can eat the fruit of any tree except the one in the middle of the Garden. She goes further and says that if they even touch the tree, they will die, which God did not say. The serpent clearly has her attention.

“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.
“For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened,
and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
(Genesis 3:4-5)

Eve’s emotions kick into overdrive.

She gets more than a little anxious about the perceived quality of the life she’s living.

  • She begins to doubt the goodness of God and his provision.
  • And rather than following her husband as her authority,
  • she gives her attention to the serpent instead.

The evidence is right there in front of her, and she reasons. “The fruit of the tree does look good. Really good.

  • Could it be God is holding out on us?
  • What if that stuff the Lord told Adam about that delicious-looking fruit isn’t actually true?
  • Is God denying us good things?
  • Is He refusing to make us fully aware of all that we might become?
  • Is He refusing us all we could enjoy … all that we deserve?
  • Life seems great. That’s true. But what if we could have more?
  • What if we could be more?
  • What if we could be like God?

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

  • Why do you think the Serpent approached Eve instead of Adam?
  • What kept Adam from speaking up?
  • What sin(s) did each of them commit?
  • How do you see this scenario playing out in marriages today?
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What do you believe about Women?

what do you believe about women

What do you believe about women? You need to have an accurate understanding of her if you want to know what a she wants and needs in a relationship. And so you can be aware of the ways the enemy deceives her. (And this info is no less necessary if you happen to be a woman.) We’re different, you know.

Men and women are not only different by nature, but are also unaware of just how different they are … and how they are different. Most believe – and this is one time men and women erroneously agree – that women are more sensitive than men.

[callout]In reality, research has shown that men are
actually more sensitive than women![/callout]

However, men are sensitive about different things than women are.
And they express their emotions differently.
Yes, men express feelings. Inescapably.

We can’t understand that until we examine our responses and interpret them according to the correct template. But more about that later …

We also speak different languages.

That is, the same words don’t hold the same meaning for men as they do for women. So many couples who are experiencing relationship problems need an interpreter.

In fact, what I mostly do during a couple’s counseling session is translate “what he just said” into words that she can understand, and then translate “what she just said” into words that he can understand.

So on the surface, it seems like poor communication is the problem.

But like so many other things in life, there’s more to it than that. The lack of connection and understanding run deeper than mere word-choice.

There are some fundamental biological and social differences that lead to very different world views – a situation that’s not easily resolved … especially when it prevents us from even trying to understand.

At the root, we find the commonly held belief that “men are simple” and “women are complicated.” I hear that a lot … so much so that it seems to be universally accepted as an immutable fact of life – one that gets in the way of any hope for a better connection … or dancing well together.

Author Grantley Morris put it this way:

There seems a common belief that women are more complicated than men. This belief has perhaps contributed to more marriage problems than any other belief.

Men generally conclude from it that women are so hard to understand that there’s no point in even trying to understand them. (Women who try to maintain an aura of mystery may be doing so to their own hurt.)

And women tend to assume that men are so easy to understand that there is no need to even try to understand them better.

So when it comes to better understanding the opposite sex, it’s often the case that men feel defeated before they start

… and women barely see a need to start.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

  • As you consider today’s culture, what are commonly held beliefs about women?
  • How many of them are positive?
  • How many of them are negative?
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