What do women want?

what do women want

Psychologists haven’t been able to explain women to men. Remember Dr. Sigmund Freud? Well, Freud was actually an M.D.
That would mean that he was a psychiatrist. Not a psychologist.

Anyway. Despite all Freud’s work with women in exploring the possibilities of “a talking cure,” rumor has it that he died still wondering what women want.

In reality, we’re not that complicated.

But poor Siggy didn’t have anyone to translate for him. Now you’re going to get the inside scoop! In this Lesson, you’ll learn what a woman wants from a man that will invest her with an absolutely irresistible desire to follow him.

[callout]In my next post, I tell you what she actually needs. It’s not the same.[/callout]

Most of us – women included – believe that women are more complicated than men.
But we’re not nearly as complicated as we seem.

Pretty much everything she wants from you – as even she would confess – has to do with her beliefs about one (or more) of the following three categories:

  • You don’t love and cherish me.
  • You don’t think I’m pretty.
  • You don’t value my feelings.

Bullet Point #1: Love and cherish her.

The first thing a woman wants is to know is that she’s more precious to you than anything else. No, she doesn’t want to run your life. She wants to know – by the reliability of your words and actions – that she’s always at the top. Her hope and prayer is that she runs a very close second to God.

You probably don’t realize just how important your opinion is to her. Despite how it may seem, much her self-esteem depends on what she thinks you think of her. Not what you actually think of her, but what she thinks you think of her. And she makes that determination based on your behavior – all you choose to do – or choose not do – in regard to her.

Bullet Point #2: Tell her she’s pretty.

This point’s the simplest one. Women spend a lot of time, energy, and money trying to look as just pretty as they can. And as she gets older, she’ll start doubting that she could still be attractive to the opposite sex.

If she’s already yours – or if you want her to be yours – you won’t want some other guy beating your time! So tell her yourself that she’s pretty and/or cute … on a daily basis!

Of course, you must be absolutely, positively sincere about whatever you say. Flattery is cheap and meaningless, and she’ll see right through it.

Don’t go there.
Trust me. It’s simply not worth the price.

Bullet Point #3: Just say you are sorry.

A woman’s feelings can get hurt very easily, especially by the man she loves. Her feelings are important, and she needs you to appreciate that about her. In fact, feelings are primary for “most women. When our feelings get hurt, we go into defensive mode. And everyone knows the best defense is a good offense.

So we often look and sound angry when, in fact, our feelings have been hurt. At that point, we’ll either withdraw or attack, depending on our emotional attachment style (See Chapter 9). Hurting her feelings is tantamount to Crushing Her Spirit. Nothing good can happen until Her Spirit has been revived. When you learn how to help her with that, you’ll reap rewards beyond Your Wildest Dreams.

And it only takes three steps:

  1. Notice that you hurt her feelings.
    That means you have to be paying attention, right?
  2. Then say, “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”
    (Note: Say nothing more. Say nothing less.)
  3. If she’s angry and/or yelling at you, you’ll need to say it at a distance.
    If she is crying, move in close and hold her hand or put your arm around her.
    Or if you’re not physically present, you can tell her you wish you were there to hold her hand or to put your arm around her. That works almost as well because this is one of those cases where it’s mostly the thought that counts.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

  • How often do you think men put something ahead of their wife?
  • How often do you think the average guy tells his wife she’s pretty?
  • What is a man’s usual response to tears? to anger?

Learn more now …

Meanwhile, back in the Garden …

Eve deceived

Picking up where we left off … Back in the Garden, the enemy is plotting to spoil God’s Creation. The Lord, of course, knows he’s there because even the enemy is a created being. An angel so impressed with himself – his own beauty, intelligence, power, and position – that he wanted all the glory and honor to go with it. That is, he had enough self-pride to believe he deserved to be God.

Cast from Heaven due to his arrogance, he lost his identity as a Morning Star, and became the Adversary – the enemy who seeks his revenge by distorting God’s created order.

Adam and Eve, however, are unaware of his presence.

So one day, the two of them are strolling through Paradise when they encounter the crafty serpent, who strikes up a conversation with Eve. The enemy knows that the primacy of her emotions will make her an easier target than Adam.

He said to the woman, “Did God really say,
‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

(Genesis 3:1b)

As it turns out, he is right about her. Eve is an easy mark. She replies that God said they can eat the fruit of any tree except the one in the middle of the Garden. She goes further and says that if they even touch the tree, they will die, which God did not say. The serpent clearly has her attention.

“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.
“For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened,
and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

(Genesis 3:4-5)

Eve’s emotions kick into overdrive.

She gets more than a little anxious about the perceived quality of the life she’s living.

  • She begins to doubt the goodness of God and his provision.
  • And rather than following her husband as her authority,
  • she gives her attention to the serpent instead.

The evidence is right there in front of her, and she reasons. “The fruit of the tree does look good. Really good.

  • Could it be God is holding out on us?
  • What if that stuff the Lord told Adam about that delicious-looking fruit isn’t actually true?
  • Is God denying us good things?
  • Is He refusing to make us fully aware of all that we might become?
  • Is He refusing us all we could enjoy … all that we deserve?
  • Life seems great. That’s true. But what if we could have more?
  • What if we could be more?
  • What if we could be like God?

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

  • Why do you think the Serpent approached Eve instead of Adam?
  • What kept Adam from speaking up?
  • What sin(s) did each of them commit?
  • How do you see this scenario playing out in marriages today?

What do you believe about Women?

what do you believe about women

What do you believe about women? You need to have an accurate understanding of her if you want to know what a she wants and needs in a relationship. And so you can be aware of the ways the enemy deceives her. (And this info is no less necessary if you happen to be a woman.) We’re different, you know.

Men and women are not only different by nature, but are also unaware of just how different they are … and how they are different. Most believe – and this is one time men and women erroneously agree – that women are more sensitive than men.

[callout]In reality, research has shown that men are
actually more sensitive than women![/callout]

However, men are sensitive about different things than women are.
And they express their emotions differently.
Yes, men express feelings. Inescapably.

We can’t understand that until we examine our responses and interpret them according to the correct template. But more about that later …

We also speak different languages.

That is, the same words don’t hold the same meaning for men as they do for women. So many couples who are experiencing relationship problems need an interpreter.

In fact, what I mostly do during a couple’s counseling session is translate “what he just said” into words that she can understand, and then translate “what she just said” into words that he can understand.

So on the surface, it seems like poor communication is the problem.

But like so many other things in life, there’s more to it than that. The lack of connection and understanding run deeper than mere word-choice.

There are some fundamental biological and social differences that lead to very different world views – a situation that’s not easily resolved … especially when it prevents us from even trying to understand.

At the root, we find the commonly held belief that “men are simple” and “women are complicated.” I hear that a lot … so much so that it seems to be universally accepted as an immutable fact of life – one that gets in the way of any hope for a better connection … or dancing well together.

Author Grantley Morris put it this way:

There seems a common belief that women are more complicated than men. This belief has perhaps contributed to more marriage problems than any other belief.

Men generally conclude from it that women are so hard to understand that there’s no point in even trying to understand them. (Women who try to maintain an aura of mystery may be doing so to their own hurt.)

And women tend to assume that men are so easy to understand that there is no need to even try to understand them better.

So when it comes to better understanding the opposite sex, it’s often the case that men feel defeated before they start

… and women barely see a need to start.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

  • As you consider today’s culture, what are commonly held beliefs about women?
  • How many of them are positive?
  • How many of them are negative?

One Flesh

sex

Making Love is the deepest, most intimate Communication between a husband and wife. It reunites them in a way that happens with no other. Becoming One Flesh is Beautiful.

Woman is perhaps God’s greatest invention. He created her specifically to meet the relational, emotional, and physical needs of His first invention: Man. He designed her in such a way that man was automatically drawn to her in wonder … she joyously gave herself to him … and both enjoyed Joyous Rapture that could have been everlasting.

But sex has been affected by sin and shame.

The beauty of the male-female relationship became tarnished, convoluted, mixed up, and messed up. Instead of rejoicing in our differences, we are afraid of losing ourselves to the other. In our fear, we hide.

Or we seek to control and change one another to be more like ourselves … as though we were God Himself and, therefore, mindful of the only “right” way of being, which always backfires with serious and detrimental results.

Throughout history, we see examples of the exploitation of God’s creation. We see woman used and abused by man, diminished in importance by his use of her for his pleasure and power. Man is also abused by woman, diminished in importance by her use of him. There are documented cases of women being mistreated, but men are also mistreated and abused … and in more ways than we can ever imagine.

Men need women.

And they have from the very beginning. It wasn’t man’s idea. Adam was clueless about what he was missing in the Garden. But the Lord knew he would need a woman to love and to adore. And to soften him. Otherwise, he would become domineering and consumed by his power.

In His infinite wisdom, the Creator designed a woman who would possess something inherently fascinating that would make her utterly irresistible to her husband. And it’s not just about sex. Men desire women at a very deep level.

But too many women believe men are only interested in sex. Yes, they are interested in sex. Sex is very important to him. It meets an important need, but it’s not all that he needs.

That said, making love to his wife fulfills more of a man’s needs than any other single thing his wife does for him.

[callout]Making Love to his wife will naturally fulfill his needs for her
attention, affection, acceptance, appreciation, and admiration.
But that’s not all …[/callout]

Making Love makes a man feel … loved!

Sadly enough, too many men have given up on being loved by a woman, which is one of man’s deepest longings. They have resigned themselves to settling for a measure of peace, giving up their hope for the fullness of a Joyous Marriage. And that’s sad.

… and the Lord has given us Hope!

‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. (Mark 10:7-8)

5 Reasons to Be Careful What You Say

communication

Honest communication – especially between husband and wife – is essential for creating connection and lasting joy. But should you be able to say whatever you want to your mate?

I’ve always tried to be careful what I say to My Beloved. But many folks – mostly women, it seems; but some men, too – believe you should be able to say whatever you want to your mate. They call it “just being honest.”

On the other hand, some are too careful about what they say because they’re trying to get a particular response from their partner. Actually, that’s manipulation, and I’ve never seen it work to create true connection in any relationship.

The Psychology of Communication

As a Couples Psychologist, I’ve seen both extremes.


let it all out vs. tiptoeing around


And the sad thing is, most don’t even realize what they’re doing!
So here are my 5 Reasons for being careful what you say:

  1. Words can hurt. Think before you speak: Could what you are about to say be experienced as attacking, blaming, or criticizing? Just because you’re hurt does not give you the right to hurt someone in return.
  2. Words can heal. Be kind and gracious toward one another. You may have heard that “hurt people hurt people.” Consider what might be behind another’s behavior. Chances are they are acting defensively by being offensive.
  3. Words can curse. Assuming the worst about your mate and saying it aloud is the same as pronouncing a curse. Trust me. You don’t want to speak out that kind of potentially self-fulfilling prophecy! (James 3:10)
  4. Words can bless. Paul’s admonition to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:5) does not give you permission to tell your mate everything wrong with him/her. Instead speak the Truth about how God sees your mate: as His Dearly Beloved Child.
  5. Words are creative. What we think – and especially what we say – impacts the world around us. And that includes the people you love – as well as the people you don’t. We all believe the world is in more trouble than it’s ever been. Use the creative power of your words to make the world a better place.

Here are a few words from the Word about words.

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. (Genesis 1:3)

I will proclaim the name of the Lord.
    Oh, praise the greatness of our God! (Deuteronomy 32:3)

As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:10-11)

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1:1-5)

Then the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!” And he added, “These are the true words of God.” (Revelation 19:9)