God’s Answer to a Problem Adam Didn’t Know He Had

what a woman needs to know about what a man needs

You remember the Story. God created the heavens and the earth, and everything in them. All of it was good. Except that Adam was alone. So God created Woman for him. And Adam named her Eve. Perfect.

what a man needs

The Psychology of Men

Way back in 2008, I taught a full course on men at Azusa Pacific University. As part of the course, we created a blog, The Psych of Men. One post is about Abraham Lincoln, and this quote about women:

A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me.

Surprisingly, even after all this time, the site still gets a fair number of visitors. Very cool. For example, on Tuesday, May 3, 2016, Will from Oklahoma commented,

I am 23 and i can tell you why men fear women, women are really wonderful and we are afraid to screw up you know like that afraid of something that seems to good to be true and at the same time is alive and talking to you. God really knew what he was doing just think how Adam reacted Genesis 2:23 “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” this was basically a gasp of amazement at God’s work.

Yes, “too good to be true” can be a little scary.

For both people. Women desire men, but we’re easily influenced by the culture around us. Which leaves a woman a little confused about what a healthy Christian man really needs.

What a Man Needs

We know it’s not good for him to be alone (Genesis 2:18). But exactly how is she to be his helpmate? Well, a woman can help her man win his battles with the enemy of his soul. To do that, she must learn all she can about his needs. But she won’t likely hear what they are directly from him. Mostly because it’s too vulnerable … and thus breaks the Boy Code.

So, ladies, here’s The Short List … in a Long Message.
Print this. Hold onto it. Until you’ve got the whole thing memorized.

1. Your Attention

Men are only interested in one thing? Well, whether you believe me or not, it’s not sex. Yes, it’s true that sex with his wife is one thing that makes a man feel loved. But, what he needs most is a woman’s positive attention.

  • Look at him adoringly when he talks to you.
  • Listen intently to what he has to say.

Every time he speaks, he’s sharing something about who he is – his thoughts, his beliefs, his hopes, his fears, his values. Men share far more than we realize, but they do it differently than we do. And if he believes you’re interested, he’ll keep talking.

  • Be a safe person for him.

Don’t evaluate what he says or compare him to yourself or to another man. Don’t probe or ask questions, unless you’re simply saying, “Tell me more.” And don’t share intimate details with your girlfriends.

2. Your Acceptance

Have you ever responded to your guy’s gift with some sort of critique?

  • He “wasted” money on flowers.
  • You’d rather have such-and-such.
  • Why didn’t he _____ (fill in the blank)?

If you do that to him again and again, he’ll be inclined to question the possibility of making you happy. And at some point, he won’t even try anymore.

Your man wants to be your hero – always. God designed him with a natural desire to protect you, to guide you, and to hold you – to make you happy – if you’ll only let him. He won’t do it perfectly. So you will need to let go of your tendency to correct him, to teach him, to give him advice.

Those messages tell him he’s not good enough – that he will never be good enough – and that he’ll never be able to make you happy.

You don’t have to pretend that he’s perfect, or that his gifts are perfect. When you accept what he brings to your life, you are accepting him. And that’s a very good thing.

3. Your Affection

We are all so hungry for human touch, and we rarely get that need met. Women, of course, have a better shot at it because it’s more socially acceptable for them to hug one another. But we do more than just hug. We actually hold one another.

But after a certain age (sometime in elementary school), men are rarely held … unless they’re having sex. Perhaps that’s what makes sex so important to a man’s well-being?

An Experiment. When dinner’s ready tonight, don’t holler at him to come and eat. Go to wherever he is and stand beside him, place your hand on his shoulder or arm, then smile and softly say, “Dinner’s ready.”

Then turn and walk away quietly. Even if he doesn’t move a muscle or say a word … or even come and eat … you can be sure your touch and soft voice registered in his brain.

There’s nothing more calming than making contact with the person you love.

  • So make physical contact as often as you can.
  • You don’t have to be dramatic about it. Start slow.
  • Remember, his brain will notice even if he doesn’t.
  • And if he’s in the mood for sex, take it as a positive indicator
    that he needs to be held … by you.

4. Your Appreciation

A simple “Thank You” goes a long, long way.

Enough said?
Yes, I believe it is.

5. Your Admiration

This need is way more important than you might believe. And it’s something you probably don’t think about giving to him nearly often enough. Men need a woman’s admiration. It’s not an ego thing. It’s an actual factual emotional need.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

  • If you’re a man, how does this list sound to you?
  • If you’re a woman, is this new information?
    How might you use it to bring you closer?