Couple Communication 101

We can’t stop communicating … for one simple reason! According to Communications Experts, 93% of our communication is nonverbal. Your parents told you that a long time ago when they said: “Actions speak louder than words.”


Consider Sean and Nicole …

Nicole’s Point of View: Sean was a quiet guy. And that was one of the things that Nicole found irresistibly attractive. But after they’d been dating for awhile, she wanted more from him. During a silence, Nicole would ask him what he was thinking.

He never gave her a satisfactory answer.

Then she began begging him to talk to her. He was hesitant at first. But at her encouragement, he began to open up. He offered up two or three sentences. Then Nicole got excited about getting closer. In her enthusiasm, she’d try to get more information from him.

Then all of a sudden — at least it seemed to be sudden — Sean quit sharing. He was more withdrawn than ever, and Nicole was really confused. She kept asking him what was wrong. And he kept refusing to talk about it.

He’d just shrug his shoulders and mumble, “Nothing’s wrong.”

Sean’s Point of View: He had a very different experience of their relationship. He really liked Nicole. When they first met he loved her energy — and her chatter. She was always ready to fill the silence, so he didn’t have to worry about what to say.

After they’d been together for awhile, he wanted to tell her more about himself. But he felt like he could hardly get a word in edgewise. Nicole kept telling him she wanted to know what he was thinking. But it didn’t seem like that to Sean. As soon as he would get a word out, Nicole would begin her critique.

Nothing he said was right.
It seemed like everything he said set her off in one way or another.
So he gave up.

He began dreading their time together. And started to think about breaking up.


  • What nonverbal communication was Nicole sending?
  • Do you think she was aware of what she was “saying”?
  • What nonverbal communication was Sean sending?
  • Do you think she was aware of what he was “saying”?
  • What could each of them done differently?

Early Life Experience

Truth Will Set You Free

The enemy lies to kids. He takes Early Life Experience, makes up a Lie about it, and tells a kid that is who he is. And that’s who he’ll always be. The enemy says stuff like:

  • No one wants you.
  • You always mess up.
  • No one will ever help you.
  • You have to figure it out alone.
  • You’re worthless and unlovable.

You can’t get lower than lying to a kid.

Because a kid accepts a Lie as though it were Truth.

Psychiatrist Alfred Adler suggested that we spend our lives striving
to overcome the sense of inferiority created by our own fictional finalism.

Spiritually speaking, the enemy’s lies color how you see the world. If left unchallenged, these lies act as a filter for your current experience.

You automatically filter your thoughts, emotions, and behavior
in a way that confirms your core belief about yourself. That is, you …
“play it again, Sam.”

But The Lord gives you Do-Overs so you can correct your beliefs to match His!

Your current behavior is a First Clue about what you believe about yourself. For instance, when your relationship goes sideways, which of the following describe what you do?early life experience

  • I attack
  • I blame
  • I criticize
  • I leave
  • I defend
  • I clam up
  • I withdraw
  • I get quiet
  • I avoid conflict
  • I become cold or aloof

What you feel is your Second Clue to what you believe about yourself. Let’s talk about feelings next time.

To be continued …

Going Sideways

Yes, we all go sideways at one time or another. However, this can be to your advantage!

Yes. Yes!

It is so true!

You really can learn something new from the process and come back …

  • stronger in your faith and
  • closer in your love!

I’ve seen it happen so many times with couples! No matter what the challenge!

How do we get ourselves Sideways?

I’m glad you asked! Several years ago, I conducted a survey among my clients about what they each did to make things go sideways in their romance.

Men were more likely to check the boxes beside:

  • I become silent, withdrawn, and don’t want to discuss things.
  • I often want to avoid talking about our relationship.
  • My partner often pushes an issue and won’t let it drop.

Whereas women were more likely to check the boxes beside:

  • I often get angry and critical to get my partner to talk.
  • I often want to push my partner to talk about our relationship.
  • My partner withdraws a lot and won’t face an issue when I want to talk.

All defensive moves folks use with the intent to protect themselves … or their Love! However, these knee-jerk strategies have the opposite effect!

Your Defensiveness always hurts the One you love.

You wouldn’t need to be defensive if you understood your partner’s Bottom Line. And I can honestly report that what causes most conflict is simply misunderstanding. Most often, both a man and a woman trying to connect. And misinterpreting the signals.

Yes. It’s that simple.

She’s asking for more of him.
He hears a complaint that he works too much.

He’s asking for more of her.
She hears that all he cares about is sex.

She’s too busy asking, “Do you want me?”
He’s too busy asking, “Is it me that you want?”

Neither hears the other’s question.
Which leaves no place for a real answer!

Through all of my work with couples, I’ve noticed the Bottom Line for both partners is often the same.

They just aren’t hearing one another!

To be continued …