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January 5, 2020

Secrets to Becoming a Great Follow

A great swing dancer knows the secrets to becoming a great follow. A while back, I taught a class for lady swing dancers in Uptown Whittier, California. We had a good time exploring ways we can help our dance partners – and husbands – become better leads.

Wish I could say I am the Best Follow Ever, but I’m not.
I’ve made way too many mistakes. Especially with The Cute Boy.
But he is always very forgiving and knows that I’m still learning, too.

Perhaps it’s time to re-read my own book, eh?

NOTE: The Lovely Ladies pictured here with me were Gorgeous Winners of our door prizes: My book, Ephesians 5 Romance, and Free Dance Lessons.

The Dance Floor is a Great Place to Practice the Secrets to Becoming a Great Follow

A man and a woman dancing together in three-quarter time is the best metaphor for – and experience of – Romance.

In one of my favorite waltz videos, so many couples are on the dance floor it’s hard to imagine how they keep twirling around without crashing into one another. That is, unless you realize that each pair has only one leader.

The man’s job is to protect his partner from other couples on the floor, and to guide her steps as they swish and swirl in time to the music. If the woman criticizes what he’s doing or starts to pull him in a different direction, it’ll be virtually impossible for him to take responsibility for the dance.

He takes the lead. She follows.

He guides and protects her.
She influences him, even as she admires him … and makes him look good to anyone who’s watching.

Paul put it this way: Wives, understand & support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to His Church, not by domineering but by cherishing. … Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church — a love marked by giving, not getting. EPHESIANS 5

How cool is that?

December 16, 2019December 16, 2019

How to Help a Woman Overcome Her Fears

For the last several years running, the most popular post on my Psychology of Men blog has been “Why Do Men Stonewall?” Stonewalling is withdrawing or refusing to respond to your partner. For him, it may be a response to his own confusion or feeling overwhelmed when she’s upset. Or he may just try to stay calm in the hope that she will also calm down.

However, when he stays calm, it feels like he’s just being non-responsive to her, which only serves to make her even more anxious. The message his nonverbal behavior sends is that he simply doesn’t care that she’s upset. In reality, it’s counter-productive, and actually will increase her anxiety and frustration, propelling both into the same negative cycle that they are trying so hard to avoid.

It goes something like this, doesn’t it?

She begins a conversation with something that sounds harsh – something that feels like it came out of the blue. She’s actually tapping on the door, trying to make contact with you.
When you fail to respond, she assumes you didn’t hear her, so she talks a little louder. Now she’s knocking on the door wondering if you are even in there.
Your heart races as you think, “Here we go again. This is not going to be good.” You try even harder to remain calm, hoping that she’ll settle down.
You might even try talking firmly or “logically” to try to calm her … which only feels condescending to her. Shaming is not exactly sending her the message that she can depend on you to be there for her when she needs you.
If she wasn’t really angry before this, she is now. Her feelings are seriously hurt, and she’s in defensive mode (please refer to Bullet Point #3). She’s now coming through the door with a two-ton wrecking ball, and she’s determined that you will hear her out.

To you, she’s in some sort of crazy rage, and you may begin to wonder if she has serious mental health issues. So you’ll have a difficult time realizing that, underneath her anger, is a huge backlog of fear.

She may have a difficult time recalling her original feelings, too. However, your best bet is always that she started the whole conversation at least a little worried that her concerns would be totally unimportant to you – based on verifiable evidence from any stone walls you’ve erected previously.

I have to tell you that I really do understand why guys do this so often and so automatically. It makes total sense to me, and I do my best to educate the gals about how their emotions impact you.

However, you must understand what happens for her as well. Basically, when a woman is emotionally flooded, and her partner shuts down during a disagreement, she’s most likely to say she feels:

abandoned * blown off * dismissed * frustrated * isolated * lonely
pushed away * rejected * shut out * undesirable * unloved * unwanted

Well, that was not what you were going for, right? You only wanted her to be reasonable – to stop making such a big issue out of whatever it was – or at least not to attack, blame, or criticize you in the process.

There is hope for redirecting this scenario. Here’s my #1 Tip:

The best place to start is to engage with her. No more stonewalling.

If it happens a lot, you may want to find a good couple’s counselor – one who gets where he is coming from, as well as her position.

Just remember that a woman often worries about her physical safety, as well as whether or not she is displeasing and/or unimportant to the man she loves. But that’s not all. We have other fears, too.

from Ephesians 5 Romance

The Truth About Love? find out here

December 13, 2019March 14, 2020

Anxious & Frustrated

NOTE: This article is available in audio! Click here to listen now.

Are you feeling anxious and frustrated? Most couples who seek help are.

Feeling anxious and frustrated is a strong indicator that you are being misunderstood.

A few years ago, a young couple came into my office for their first session of marriage counseling, and right away I could tell that the husband didn’t want to be there. He took one look at me, and by the expression on his face, I could just imagine what he was thinking.

“Great. Just great. Our last therapist was a man, and he seemed pretty good, but my wife didn’t think he was helpful. So now we’re going to talk to a female counselor? Oh, brother! Here we go again. Only this time, I’m going to get it in stereo. Ok, suck it up, buddy, and get ready to go three rounds with not one, but two women hammering away at you for the next 45 minutes. And at the end of it, you get to write the woman a check. I’m such a lucky guy.”

His wife appeared a little anxious – and a lot frustrated. She began with a very intense explanation, even before they were seated.

“He never talks to me. In fact, all I get is the cold shoulder. Whenever I try to discuss an issue, he tunes me out! He just sits there, staring at the TV. Sometimes he gets up and storms out of the room … without saying a word! He’s just so insensitive. I don’t see how this marriage will ever work if he’s not willing to talk about things. I’m ready to give up. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get him involved with the family. How can he not care about his own wife and family?”

I listened patiently to her lament, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see her husband slowly sinking into his end of the sofa.

I nodded understandingly at his wife, then said, “I can see how hard you’re working at this – trying to make your marriage work – and how distressed you are. This is really, really hard for you.”

Anticipating my alliance, she sat up straighter and listened intently as I joined her in her frustration.

“Being in a painful relationship is incredibly difficult, I know. And you know what else? … We’ve actually been lied to.”

Her husband continued to sink a bit deeper, while a slight smile stole across his wife’s face as she waited for more confirmation of what she thought she already knew – that she was right, and he was wrong.

“Yes,” I continued. “We’ve been lied to. We’ve been led to believe that men are insensitive jerks. That they’re not in touch with their emotions – if they even have any. That they just don’t get it. It’s like the elevator doesn’t stop on that floor. But the truth is … men are actually more sensitive than women.”

The wife tipped her head sideways, like a bright-eyed cocker spaniel who couldn’t believe her ears. I imagined she thought, “What? This can’t be right! This woman is not going to be helpful. She obviously doesn’t know anything about men!”

Anticipating her confusion, I supported my statement with some research findings, and she appeared to be a little bit more interested. I imagined she was thinking, “Well, maybe she does know a little something about men. Maybe she can fix my husband … or at least get him to talk to me!”

At the other end of the sofa, her husband seemed to breathe a sigh of relief, sat up a little straighter, and almost smiled. If he had been more verbally inclined at that point, he might have said something like,

“Hey, this woman gets us guys. This therapy stuff might actually work this time. Thank you, Lord! … I just hope my wife pays real close attention.”

from Ephesians 5 Romance
The Truth About Love

Feeling anxious and frustrated is a strong indicator that you are being misunderstood.

And misunderstanding is based on misinformation.
I’m here to help you clear up the confusion.

Category:A Wise Woman’s Guide

Secrets to Becoming a Great Follow