Premarital Education Archives | Page 4 of 23

November 2, 2020November 12, 2020

Do I Matter to You?

When your mate talks about something that you find boring, what do you do? Do you keep doing what you are doing? Interrupt with something you find more interesting? Wait for him/her to take a breathe & then chime in? Or do you make eye contact & actually listen?

In studying couple communication, Dr. John Gottman & his team of researchers observed that partners continually make “bids” for one another’s attention, closeness, and reassurance.

These bids were made through comments, questions, glances, and/or gestures.

The couples seemed to be asking, on a regular basis:

Are you there?
Do I matter to you?

Sometimes they got the responses they wanted.

If they didn’t, they tried again.

You’ve watched it happen, right?

It’s most obvious with children.

A few moms are relaxing at the park while their toddlers are playing in the sandbox. One particular mom is engrossed in conversation with her friends, and her 3-year-old tries to get her attention.

If he’s unsuccessful, he doesn’t give up.

If at first you don’t succeed try, try again!

He’ll keep calling her; and if she doesn’t respond, he’ll get closer to her … and louder! He may even resort to attacking her to get her to pay attention to his needs.

Couples communicate like that, too.

If a hello or a smile gets no response, partners intensify their bids.

Like the toddler, they may get louder, even attacking or criticizing.

However, strategies like criticism will naturally elicit a negative response (defensiveness) and launch a negative pattern of interactions that could escalate into a full-blown argument.

Not exactly what you were hoping for, right?

A Word (or Two) About Sarcasm

Sarcasm is a common method of asking for attention without seeming to really need anything. Your needs for attention (and your vulnerability) are hidden behind a screen of purported humor.

Sarcasm is also a very effective way of shooting yourself in the foot. It sends a mixed message. In reality, you’re asking for attention. But the message your partner gets is that he or she is dumb, clumsy, or lacks value — not a great way to get the positive attention you’re really looking for.

When a man’s partner doesn’t respond to or even recognize? his bids for attention, he may simply give up trying.

QUESTION: So what can you do with this information? Get involved in your own research by observing your own behavior.

How many times and in what ways did you ask for your partner’s attention today?
Did you get the response you wanted?
How can you increase the effectiveness of your bids?

October 15, 2020November 12, 2020

The Beauty & Power of Changing Your Mind

Did your man turn into a frog?

What you don’t know about him is a real problem.
But the bigger problem is what you DO know that just ain’t so!

Husband improvement begins with a paradigm shift. For you, as well as for him.

After counseling men, women & couples for more than 20 years, I’ve realized that most often it’s the woman who has the beauty & power to turn things around.

And she can often do so in 6 weeks or less!

April 20, 2020January 24, 2022

Helping Your Man Take Leadership

First, he needs to know that you are following him. Even if he’s not a very seasoned leader.

Because a man can never become a really great leader if no one is willing to follow him.

In a word, he needs your willingness to submit to his leadership.

Submission really means that you trust and respect him.
It does not mean that you follow him blindly and mindlessly.

Second, he really needs your feedback.

Both Scripture and research show that men need to be open to the influence of their wives. Otherwise, they’re doomed to fail.

However, your feedback must never be
in the form of criticism, attack, blame, or advice.

What he desperately needs to hear is when he is getting it right … when he’s doing something that pleases you … that makes you happy.

And remember he needs you to help him look good to anyone who’s watching. He’ll stand taller and work harder than you ever thought possible. Yes, just give him that, and he’ll pull out all the stops to please you – more so than you ever imagined.

Many of us can identify a multitude of ways to make sure our relationships don’t work.

However, we’re going to invest our energy on what actually does work. What works is very simple: being available and responsive to our partners “in the here-and-now,” and caring about how our actions might affect others – especially the person we love most in this world.

So what does that look like?

For the most part, I think I’m getting pretty good at being available and responsive to my partner. Although I’ve become an “expert” on the psychology of men and relationships, the Lord teaches me more about both topics every day.

Once during a dance lesson, Fred and I were demonstrating the “swing” step, and he was telling the men how to make it enjoyable for the woman.

He said, “Guys, you just pay attention to how your sweetie’s body is responding to the music and to you, and then you match her.”

Huh? For years I’d been telling women that they need to follow their guy – to match him. So I was more than a little taken aback by his verbal instructions.

I looked up at him and spontaneously proclaimed, “You’re matching me? I thought I was matching you!” He just smiled and replied, “We’re matching each other.”

Now I ask you, “How sweet is that?” A perfect way to play out Ephesians 5:21 – right in the middle of a dance lesson!

As couples, we must learn to pay attention to one another’s needs and to be responsive to one another in light of the unique design and purpose given to us by Our Creator.

Remember it was Christ who announced the revolutionary idea that husbands and wives are equal before Heaven, at the same time recognizing specific roles for each.

So if we want to build a Healthy Romance together, we need a more complete understanding of our respective biological differences, as well as differences in how we were nurtured.

Keep learning. Keep practicing. Keep dancing.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

How many women today are willing to submit to their husband’s leadership?
What type of feedback do you see most women give to men?
What kind of results do they get?