Category:The Psychology of Men

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Helping Your Man Take Leadership

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First, he needs to know that you are following him. Even if he’s not a very seasoned leader.

Because a man can never become a really great leader if no one is willing to follow him.

In a word, he needs your willingness to submit to his leadership.

  • Submission really means that you trust and respect him.
  • It does not mean that you follow him blindly and mindlessly.

Second, he really needs your feedback.

Both Scripture and research show that men need to be open to the influence of their wives. Otherwise, they’re doomed to fail.

However, your feedback must never be
in the form of criticism, attack, blame, or advice.

What he desperately needs to hear is when he is getting it right … when he’s doing something that pleases you … that makes you happy.

And remember he needs you to help him look good to anyone who’s watching. He’ll stand taller and work harder than you ever thought possible. Yes, just give him that, and he’ll pull out all the stops to please you – more so than you ever imagined.

Many of us can identify a multitude of ways to make sure our relationships don’t work.  

However, we’re going to invest our energy on what actually does work. What works is very simple: being available and responsive to our partners “in the here-and-now,” and caring about how our actions might affect others – especially the person we love most in this world.  

So what does that look like?  

For the most part, I think I’m getting pretty good at being available and responsive to my partner. Although I’ve become an “expert” on the psychology of men and relationships, the Lord teaches me more about both topics every day.  

Once during a dance lesson, Fred and I were demonstrating the “swing” step, and he was telling the men how to make it enjoyable for the woman.  

He said, “Guys, you just pay attention to how your sweetie’s body is responding to the music and to you, and then you match her.”  

Huh? For years I’d been telling women that they need to follow their guy – to match him. So I was more than a little taken aback by his verbal instructions.  

I looked up at him and spontaneously proclaimed, “You’re matching me? I thought I was matching you!”   He just smiled and replied, “We’re matching each other.”  

Now I ask you, “How sweet is that?” A perfect way to play out Ephesians 5:21 – right in the middle of a dance lesson!  

As couples, we must learn to pay attention to one another’s needs and to be responsive to one another in light of the unique design and purpose given to us by Our Creator.

Remember it was Christ who announced the revolutionary idea that husbands and wives are equal before Heaven, at the same time recognizing specific roles for each.  

So if we want to build a Healthy Romance together, we need a more complete understanding of our respective biological differences, as well as differences in how we were nurtured.  

Keep learning. Keep practicing. Keep dancing.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

  • How many women today are willing to submit to their husband’s leadership?
  • What type of feedback do you see most women give to men?
  • What kind of results do they get?
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The Wounded Warrior

wounded warrior

God created men to be Warriors. Amazing. Wonderful. And they are. But so many of our men don’t feel at all like those words describe who they are, especially in the eyes of the women they love. And that makes me sad. I hope it makes you sad, too.

I’ve studied the Psychology of Men at both the graduate and the post-doctoral levels, taught at two Christian universities, and written books on this popular subject. I know that:

The Wounded Warrior

As a normal part of growing up, most men experience relational trauma that women don’t. For example, they’re taught to disconnect from their mothers. Shamed into disconnecting. Usually by 3 years of age. As were their fathers. Which means their fathers are also disconnected. Leaving him with no one to help him understand himself.

Male Relational Dread

Not having learned to deal with emotions in relationship when he was a boy, a man often continues to feel intensely afraid of conflict, as well as connection. Bergman (1995) described this emotional experience as male relational dread.

His fear is characterized by a sense of inevitable, never-ending disaster and an expectation of immense and irreparable damage.

Even though he may desperately want connection, a man may interfere with activation of his own attachment system by “withdrawing, striking out, tuning out, changing the subject, joking, being nice, falling silent” (p. 83).

As Bergman has observed in his workshops, men may have sufficient experiential evidence that disconnection is the better, safer, way to go.

“The men—sometimes with good reason—did not trust the women to let go of their images of men and to accept male vulnerability” (p. 83).

[And we haven’t mentioned the reality of abuse. It’s tough enough when it comes from another man. I can only imagine what it’s like for those who have been abused by women.]

So what can be done?

The short answer is that men need empathy. The more difficult task, however, is to get the women in their lives to understand and empathize with them without adding further shame, manipulation, and trauma.

The sadest part of that – most women don’t even recognize what they are doing to the man they expect to protect, love, and cherish them.

Always remember, if a man is defensively withdrawn or angry, he probably has a very good reason.

If society is confused about boys and men, then so may boys and men be confused about themselves. The goal is not to become feminine in the process of increased self-understanding, but to find the freedom to be more fully themselves.

There aren’t many safe places in a man’s world, but men can learn to acknowledge their need for a safe place. Negotiating the world of masculinity is a dangerous endeavor, yet the rewards of doing so successfully are many.

Let’s learn to be wholeheartedly
on the side of the man we love!

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Not Really That Simple

Men are far more complex than we realize.

Women have strong beliefs about men – mostly false beliefs that are frequently perpetuated by the men themselves.

Women don’t understand how a man thinks, what he feels, and why he behaves the way he does.

What is obvious to a man can be utterly confusing to a woman.

So my goal is to end – or at least begin to end – her confusion about men.

Listen to this excerpt from my book:
Part 5, The Wonder of a Man, Chapter 17

Access the exclusive Audio Edition of Ephesians 5 Romance: the Truth about Love as it is being released on Patreon.

NOTE: Audio may take a few minutes to load, depending on the speed of your internet connection. So please be patient.

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