Tag: psychology of men

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How, What, & Why of Men

The boys were outside playing on a sunny afternoon in May, when my husband announced, “I don’t think I want to be married anymore.”

I was a hot mess.

My whole world suddenly fell apart. Everything I’d counted on was disappearing right before my eyes. As the painful, scary hours turned into months, all my hopes for higher education seemed lost as I gave everything I had to being a single mom … and keeping us all afloat.

  • Emotionally.
  • Spiritually.
  • Financially.

I needed to work full time again, leaving my sons to deal with the loss of their father, and now the loss of their mother … as they knew her.

The boys and I struggled for 4 1/2 years before something began to shift. Looking back on it now, I know it was The Lord Himself. Because whenever we think “impossible,” we can be absolutely sure He’s having a different thought.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.” ISAIAH 55:8-9

When The Lord puts His mind to something, hang on tight! It’s going to be a wild ride!

I was 40 by the time I started college, and – like most older students – I wanted the content of my studies to have practical application to everyday life. As a single mother raising three sons, choosing my topic was easy. Every paper I wrote was about boys and men.

Writing my dissertation on Mothers & Sons was also the obvious choice, in part because I had already collected so much information, but also because I realized I had so much more to learn!

I still wanted to know …

  • How men think
  • What – if anything – men feel
  • Why they tend to do what they do

I was in for a real surprise. Men have been eager to share with me. Probably because I’m one of the few women who has cared enough to ask. And I don’t try to change them. That’s not what they need.

  • They not only have different biology, they have totally different life experiences that lead to a very different worldview.
  • Men feel very deeply. In fact, they are far more sensitive than we think they are. Even more sensitive than a woman – about certain things.
  • Their behavior reflects their God-given purpose on this earth and/or the frustrations around its non-fulfillment.

I have so much to tell you that it won’t fit in one post. So if you want to know more:

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Why Men Think & Feel What They Do

Like most older students (I was 40 by the time I started college), I wanted the content of my studies to have practical application to everyday life. As a single mother raising three sons, choosing my topic was easy. Every paper I wrote was about boys and men.

Writing my dissertation on Mothers & Sons was also the obvious choice, in part because I had already collected so much information, but also because I realized I had so much more to learn!

I still wanted to know …

  • How men think
  • What – if anything – men feel
  • Why they tend to do what they do

And once I earned my doctorate, I had more opportunity to conduct my own qualitative, case study research. I was in for a real surprise. Men have been eager to share with me. Probably because I’m one of the few women who has cared enough to ask. And I don’t try to change them. That’s not what they need.

Men need to be understood and respected because:

  • They not only have different biology, they have very different life experiences that lead to a totally different worldview.
  • Men feel very deeply. In fact, they are far more sensitive than we think they are. Even more sensitive than a woman – about certain things.
  • Their behavior reflects their God-given purpose on this earth and/or the frustrations around its non-fulfillment.

Learn more in this free preview > A Wise Woman’s Guide to Creating a Joyful Marriage

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3 Reasons I Hate Going to Church on Father’s Day

My own father was absent from my life for 37 years. Five months after we finally reconnected, he died of a heart attack. But it’s not personal sadness that makes me shy away from church on Father’s Day. It’s what I learned about men after my father passed away. And I cannot bear to sit there and listen. So I just stand up and walk out quietly.

Because the Father’s Day message
is not at all like the Mother’s Day message.

Furthermore, it’s not just one pastor. It has happened in every church I’ve ever attended.

On Mother’s Day, we’re told …

  • to honor & respect the woman who raised us, and
  • to show her appreciation & love for all she does.

However, the Father’s Day message is quite the opposite.

Instead of hearing how wonderful men are & how their families should celebrate them, men get a lecture – meant to be a pep talk, I suppose.

Therefore, fathers are told …

  1. You have tons of responsibility. (He’s painfully aware of that already).
  2. You’re not doing as good as you could be doing. (He already feels inadequate.)
  3. You need to “man up” or your kids will not turn out well. (He already feels emasculated.)

These are the 3 Reasons I cannot sit there & listen
without wanting to shout out “STOP!”

Because these well-meaning pastors are actually increasing a father’s pain & vulnerability – without realizing it. He doesn’t recognize that his fellow man’s secretly-held self-perception is just like his:

  • I am weak.
  • I am inadequate.
  • I am filled with shame.

Can we please turn this around? Please?

Research in the psychology of men shows that men respond better to empathy & affirmation than to criticism & shame. Duh.

Empathy for how hard he works & affirmation of what he’s getting right will actually make a man want to be more, to do more. But a man rarely – if ever – gets either one.

So here’s my outline for the perfect Father’s Day Sermon:

  1. We celebrate who you are and acknowledge your incomparable contributions as husbands and fathers, coworkers and friends.
  2. The world doesn’t recognize how truly amazing you are. Nor are you affirmed and encouraged as much as you should be – even within the church.
  3. You protect and provide for your loved ones, helping them solve problems, with a deep desire to see them become the best they can be.
  4. We admire your dedication to keep on keeping on. Even when your own needs (far too often) go unmet.
  5. We’re here to affirm – to cheer you on – and to support you on your journey.

The Good News is …

No matter what your pastor says on Father’s Day, you can put this to work in everyday life. Then watch your man transform into the leader he was created to be – right before your very eyes.

How cool is that?

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.”– EPHESIANS 3:14-17a

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