Why Self-Effort Makes Having a Happy Marriage More Difficult

Looking over my journals for the last 20+ years, I can clearly see how much time I’ve spent whining and begging God to do something for me that He’s already done. I’ve pleaded with Him to be with me, to take care of me, and to bless what I’m trying to do.

In short, I’ve looked at my life from a place of need. Trying to talk God into making my life better, even as I tell Him what it should look like. I’ve determined what the outcome should be, rather than asking Him to show me what He has planned and to teach me how to partner with Him. But that is changing. Quickly.

Taking through self-effort

Many of us use a “Bottom-Up” model that is totally inside outside upside down!

  1. Tell your mate how you feel and what you want.
    Unspoken assumption: I should get what I ask for.
  2. Plead with God (whine & complain) until He listens to you.
    Unspoken assumption: I need to work hard at getting close to God.
  3. Beg God to do something about your spouse and bless your marriage.
    Unspoken assumption: God must fix your mate before you can be happy.

This approach is not only self-focused, it emphasizes all that is wrong.

  • It is past-present focused.
  • And you can’t look behind as you walk
  • because you’ll surely stumble and fall.

Learn a better way in my next post!

Marriage Miracles

Have you experienced a miracle in your marriage? Whether it was directly about your relationship or another aspect (e.g., parenting, finance), your story is intended to encourage others to believe for a breakthrough … even in situations that seem impossible from a human standpoint. That is, something changed in circumstances that were/are …

  • not even remotely reasonable
  • beyond anyone’s hope
  • simply impossible.

If something unexpected and wonderful has happened to you, please share it in the comments below. Or email it to me.

If you’re still waiting for a miracle, please tell me about that, too!

Because you’re not alone.

Can You Change a Man?

Do you know the one simple, surefire way to change a man?

As noted in my last post, many of a woman’s strategies for husband improvement backfire. Instead making the change(s) she desires, he becomes more defensive. Withdrawn. Perhaps angry and aggressive.

“So does anything work to change a man?” you ask.

Yes, and it’s a simple thing, really.

I’m so excited that I finally figured it out, and I can hardly wait to share it with you! Here’s what I’ve learned … and how I introduce it to the women who come to my office for help with Home Improvement (a.k.a., Husband Improvement).

At some point in couples counseling, I will say to the man, “Don’t listen to this part.”

Then I turn to his lady and let her in on His Best Kept Secret,

  • Men are like small children and dogs.
  • If they are beaten or shamed, it just makes them avoid us.
  • They may even cower whenever we come near. Or snap at us.

“On the other hand, if we focus on what they do right and reward them for it, they’ll go out of their way to get that reward again and again and again.”

By this time, the man – although he’s “not listening” – begins to smile and nod enthusiastically. “Ya!!! Do that!!!”

It’s predictable. I have yet to hear a man say he’s offended by my suggestion that his wife should treat him like a dog. And no wonder! Most women are kinder to their pets than they are to the man they love. How odd is that?

Think about it. You’re happy to see your dog at the end of a long day, and you make sure Rover knows it. You talk to him sweetly and scratch him behind his ear. You take time to pet him and make sure he’s fed. You even take him for a walk. And when he’s a “Good Boy,” you reward him with even more attention!

So … husband improvement? There’s really only one way to change a man: Positive Reinforcement. Add something positive to his day.

You can read more details about how to implement this strategy in Ephesians 5 Romance!