Category:Understanding Women

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Couple Communication 101

We can’t stop communicating … for one simple reason! According to Communications Experts, 93% of our communication is nonverbal. Your parents told you that a long time ago when they said: “Actions speak louder than words.”

slides-communication

Consider Sean and Nicole …

Nicole’s Point of View: Sean was a quiet guy. And that was one of the things that Nicole found irresistibly attractive. But after they’d been dating for awhile, she wanted more from him. During a silence, Nicole would ask him what he was thinking.

He never gave her a satisfactory answer.

Then she began begging him to talk to her. He was hesitant at first. But at her encouragement, he began to open up. He offered up two or three sentences. Then Nicole got excited about getting closer. In her enthusiasm, she’d try to get more information from him.

Then all of a sudden — at least it seemed to be sudden — Sean quit sharing. He was more withdrawn than ever, and Nicole was really confused. She kept asking him what was wrong. And he kept refusing to talk about it.

He’d just shrug his shoulders and mumble, “Nothing’s wrong.”

Sean’s Point of View: He had a very different experience of their relationship. He really liked Nicole. When they first met he loved her energy — and her chatter. She was always ready to fill the silence, so he didn’t have to worry about what to say.

After they’d been together for awhile, he wanted to tell her more about himself. But he felt like he could hardly get a word in edgewise. Nicole kept telling him she wanted to know what he was thinking. But it didn’t seem like that to Sean. As soon as he would get a word out, Nicole would begin her critique.

Nothing he said was right.
It seemed like everything he said set her off in one way or another.
So he gave up.

He began dreading their time together. And started to think about breaking up.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

  • What nonverbal communication was Nicole sending?
  • Do you think she was aware of what she was “saying”?
  • What nonverbal communication was Sean sending?
  • Do you think she was aware of what he was “saying”?
  • What could each of them done differently?
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Early Life Experience

Truth Will Set You Free

The enemy lies to kids. He takes Early Life Experience, makes up a Lie about it, and tells a kid that is who he is. And that’s who he’ll always be. The enemy says stuff like:

  • No one wants you.
  • You always mess up.
  • No one will ever help you.
  • You have to figure it out alone.
  • You’re worthless and unlovable.

You can’t get lower than lying to a kid.

Because a kid accepts a Lie as though it were Truth.

Psychiatrist Alfred Adler suggested that we spend our lives striving
to overcome the sense of inferiority created by our own fictional finalism.

Spiritually speaking, the enemy’s lies color how you see the world. If left unchallenged, these lies act as a filter for your current experience.

You automatically filter your thoughts, emotions, and behavior
in a way that confirms your core belief about yourself. That is, you …
“play it again, Sam.”
But The Lord gives you Do-Overs so you can correct your beliefs to match His!

Your current behavior is a First Clue about what you believe about yourself. For instance, when your relationship goes sideways, which of the following describe what you do?early life experience

  • I attack
  • I blame
  • I criticize
  • I leave
  • I defend
  • I clam up
  • I withdraw
  • I get quiet
  • I avoid conflict
  • I become cold or aloof

What you feel is your Second Clue to what you believe about yourself. Let’s talk about feelings next time.

To be continued …
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Adversity & Joy

adversity & joy

As an official Late Bloomer, I spent a lot of years in survival mode. Struggling through college as a single mom.

Then grad school and trying to build a business.

My counseling practice launched when I got my Psychology License.

October 2007. Several of my clients were in real estate. Most were small business owners.

Economic issues hit them.
Then they hit me.

Teaching kept me going financially.
But working in three cities got to be too much.

So in May 2010 I left teaching to pursue my One True Passion.

Faith or Foolishness? Poor Timing?
Or the wrong area of expertise?

During my post-doctoral work, I had developed a passion for helping Couples.

As a twice-divorced woman, no church wanted me as their marriage expert.

Thus far, it hasn’t seemed to matter that The Lord filled me with a Passion to fight divorce in Orange County. Because – as you can see – very little has worked in my favor in fulfilling that desire.

I held on for as long as I could. Fought as hard as I could.
My resources gave out. The Father stopped me in my tracks.

During this time of uncertainty, I’ve been tempted to reinvent myself – my calling. But my Passion is so deeply ingrained in who I am that I have no idea where to begin.

So I wait. And I listen.

And I’ve learned to live in Joyful Anticipation.

The first thing The Lord has done is to show me Who He is for me. He never allows trials without an opportunity to become more like Him. In fact, that’s His primary desire for me. That’s why James said to count it all joy when we face trials of all kinds (James 1:2-8). Because every Trial has both a Test and a Temptation.

  • A test is God’s way of revealing who we are becoming in Christ.
  • The temptation is to allow the enemy to convince us of who we are not.

So the second thing The Lord has shown me is who He created me to be. From a purely material perspective, I’ve wasted my life learning about love, teaching others how to love and be loved, and never experiencing it for myself.

The enemy wants you to conclude that you are worthless in the Kingdom – and believe on a deeper level – that you are unwanted and unlovable.

mr-knightlyPerhaps I’m like Emma. She loved the idea of love. And played matchmaker to everyone in her community. Although she saw love from a distance, she couldn’t imagine what real love would be like for herself. But all the while, she was being prepared for Mr. Knightly.

Knowing who I am created to be – and I’ve heard it from multiple sources, including directly from The Father – should have made my priorities clear. But during this season of isolation – when I’ve little opportunity to work – He reminds me daily that He has given me a higher calling.

So has my education and experience been wasted? Or has it been my personal preparation to love and to be loved by this one man?

To be continued …

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