Are you longing to be loved?

unconditional love

In the study of human relationships, Psychology and Christianity both explore what it is to be loved. But they’re often at odds about how we should love. One focuses on reciprocity (conditional love), whereas the other focuses on giving (unconditional love). Which of these describes your SOP? And how’s that working out for you?

We’re born vulnerable. And we stay that way … if we’re healthy, that is.
Because vulnerability is a requirement for emotional connection with others.

But Life Experience has told us all to “watch out!”

We’ve all been disappointed and hurt by someone we counted on. And the fact is that the people we love – those who matter most to us – have the power to hurt us most.

Some of us have been abused. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Sexually. Spiritually. Indeed, every aspect of our vulnerability can be a target for abuse. If that’s you, you need to set boundaries. That’s biblical. And it makes total (psychological + spiritual) sense to seek help in establishing those boundaries. In fact, sticking around for more abuse actually enables someone else’s sin by interfering with the biblical principle of sowing and reaping (Galatians 6:7). That is, when you abuse someone, you lose them.

NOTE: Do not blame the victim! Take care of her (or him)!

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again … (Romans 8:15a)

God has called us to live in peace. (1 Corinthians 7:15b)

But as a Psychologist, I know we can take “boundaries” too far.
Especially in marriage counseling!

What was designed to keep people safe has been perverted into a self-justification for our tendency to be self-serving. Most believe – with the help of psychology – that if you aren’t getting what you want from a relationship, demand it. Or manipulate. And if the other person doesn’t respond the way you want him to? Replace him?

GOOD NEWS! His “insensitivity” is often not even about you.

No woman wants to be referred to as “The Princess” or “The Diva” or “The Old Lady.” All those titles described a self-centered woman who has no clue that men are people, too.

Honestly, most women are just dealing poorly with hurt feelings. But you can avoid name-calling (and deal with your own hurt) with a simple-but-not-always-easy strategy.

Unconditional Love

The Fact-of-the-Matter is, even if you’re married to an emotionally healthy (yes, most men are emotionally healthy despite the pain of their upbringing), usually kind, godly man, he won’t be perfect at meeting your emotional needs.

He is a human being, right? So perhaps it’s his emotion needs that aren’t being met! And, unfortunately, men are not the best at asking for what they need.

So if he’s inattentive or unkind in a way that’s out of character for him, ask The Lord these three questions:

  1. What is happening in his life now that might cause him to be this way?
  2. What is it that You want him to have or to be right now?
  3. How can I partner with You the process?

Follow God’s Example

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1-2)

And it’s perfectly all right to ask The Lord
to help your man love you again.

Love Doesn’t Punish

But that’s what happens to most men … on a regular basis. As one man told researcher Dr. Brené Brown,

… you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see … my wife and my three daughters? They’d rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don’t tell me it’s from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else. (transcript)

Determine not to punish him – to shame him for his vulnerability. Because …

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:38)

And soak up all the Jesus you can – all day, every day!
Because you need unconditional love, too!

NOTE: If this post on unconditional love raises questions for you, please send a message to I will respond personally as time permits.

Destiny … via Detours

Trust in The Lord

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

If you’ve read Our Vision, you know Divine Destiny can create some pretty cool concepts.

But if you only look at what’s happening right now – and if you don’t know the Lord’s ways, you might begin to wonder about me and my ability to hear God’s voice.

But if you do know The Lord,
then you totally understand the cool concept of detours.

Right now, I live in Los Angeles.
But my office is still in the OC.
It’s interestingly complicated.

Google Maps helps me find my way to work each day. Depending on the time of day I leave and the current flow of traffic, the mysterious voice (small “v”) coming through my car’s audio system tells me which way to go.

Most of the time, the voice sends me east on the 101, then south on the 405. But some days, the voice tells me to take the 118 to the 5. Which is actually 2 miles longer. But still may be the fastest route.

For today, that is.

Once I’ve heard the instructions and headed in the given direction, the voice (small “v”) reassures me:

You are on the fastest route, and your route is clear.
You will arrive at ____ (the quoted time).

Pretty cool.

GPS > God’s Positioning System

I realize that God is the One Who has put me where I am today – for His purposes. And – just as He’s promised – it will all be for my good. And being on a Detour puts me in Good Company.

  • Remember Joseph? Dr. Tony Evans has an inspiring sermon series called Detours to Destiny, which you can download … or watch on YouTube. Or read a summary here.
    • Joseph was the spoiled, favored son of Israel.
    • And he had a lot to learn on his way to his destiny.
  • Remember the Exodus? Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt toward The Promised Land. It could have been an 11-day walk. But it took them 40 years.
    • The Hebrews had been slaves for 400 years.
    • And they had a lot to learn about how to follow Yahweh.

Learning to Follow

Am I taking the Long Road? Yes. The Scenic Route. I still have a lot to learn. And The Lord is faithful to His Promises. And He is making my path straight. That is, He is in the process of positioning me (physically and relationally) and preparing me (spiritually and emotionally) to fulfill His Purpose in my life.

As I listen to the Lord’s instructions and follow Him – even if it seems illogical, His Voice (Capital “V”) reassures me:

You are on the fastest route, and your route is clear.
You will arrive on time.


QUESTIONS: How about you? What is your Destiny?

  • If you don’t know, ask. God will be happy to tell you. (Jeremiah 29:11)
  • If you already know, are you on a Detour? Ask The Lord what He where He wants you and what He wants to teach you during this season of you life. He will be happy to tell you. (Jeremiah 33:3)

How cool is that?