Psychology of Men, Women, & Marriage
What Works, What Doesn’t, & Why | Dr. Debi Smith, PsyD
For the last several years running, the most popular post on our Psychology of Men blog has been “Why Do Men Stonewall?”
Stonewalling is withdrawing and refusing to respond. So what can you do about?
Continue reading “Why Do Men Stonewall?”
The Negative Cycle reminds me of a poster my dentist has on the ceiling at his office. He put it there so his patients would have something to look at while they’re in the chair. I think about it sometimes because it reminds me of myself. It’s a picture of a tiny kitten looking up helplessly from the bottom of large cardboard box.
The caption reads,
“I’m much better at getting myself into things than I am at getting myself out of them.”
We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way… (53:6a)
Kittens, sheep, people. Sometimes there’s not much difference. No one plans to get himself or herself into a pickle (Sorry. I like to mix metaphors), yet we all do at one time or another.
Many couples start backing themselves into The Box early in their relationship. Something happens and one of them feels disappointed or hurt. Maybe it’s the woman. (Sometimes it’s the man.) If she says something to her partner about it, he might minimize her feelings or get defensive about his actions or intentions. He means well, but it doesn’t help her feel better.
At first, it seems like a simple thing. Each tries to forget what happened, to move beyond it because it feels so childish to them both. However, the outcome of those early hurts starts a cycle of negative interactions that will continue to grow and solidify over time. Before long, they’re trapped in The Box.
In The Box, he believes that she is overly sensitive and avoids sharing his own thoughts and feelings with her. She believes that her feelings don’t matter to him, and she withdraws, too. It’s lonely. Being in The Box together.
Getting out of The Box is simple, but it isn’t easy. The Good Shepherd is there to help. Just ask. He may suggest you find a local “shepherd” to walk with you through the process. If He does, let me know. I’m here to help you get out of The Box.
Learn the step-by-step process here > How to Resolve Couple Conflict.
In the meantime, I’ll be praying for you both!
Most women pray for their men, of course. But what is the content of your prayers?
If you want to pray effectively for your man, you’ll need to get into the cave with him.
The first steps are simple.
That alone will give him more space to talk – when he’s ready. And you’ll learn the most you can about him. He may not say much. But listen to his words. And pay attention to his actions. His actions will speak loudest.
The latter steps take time.
Because you’re not a man, you’ll need a spirit of wisdom and revelation (Ephesians 1:17) that will enable you to pray for him in accordance with God’s will and perspective on the situation. Yes, you may have some great ideas, but this may not be the best time to share them with your man. Wait upon the Lord, trusting that He cares a lot more about what’s going on with your man than you do.
Keep the content of your prayers between you and the Lord. Your man’s vulnerability is not a subject you should be sharing with your mother, your sister, or your girlfriends.
I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. (Ephesians 1:17)
He who finds a wife finds what is good
and receives favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22)