3 Simple Steps to Create Connection

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Every couple feels disconnected at times. Maybe you’ve just been too busy lately. Maybe you have been arguing more than usual. The important thing is knowing how to reconnect with the one you love.

Step 1. Listen.

The one thing we all crave is someone’s undivided attention. So stop whatever you’re doing. Make eye contact. If your mate is emotional (e.g., angry, sad, hurt, afraid, happy), play back what you heard before you respond.

Step 3. Learn as you listen.

Listen to learn about your mate through his or her life experiences. Every interaction (no matter how brief) discloses something about who your mate is.

It will take a lifetime to get to know your mate’s heart. And connection comes from hearing first, then from being heard. You cannot love your mate if you are not willing to get to know him or her.

Nonverbal interactions also contain a wealth of information. Be sure to check out your interpretations by playing back what you think is happening. Ask for confirmation. Don’t push.

Step 3. Respond positively.

Practice responding to your mate’s bids for attention when things are going well. Positive responses create connection. And connection builds couple resilience. Disconnection precedes and intensifies conflict.

You will want your daily message to be: “I care about what you care about, and I want to connect with you, too.”

Trying to reason with someone who is upset will always escalate the negative cycle. Likewise, explanations offered too soon will also escalate the cycle.

First respond to your mate’s feelings with heartfelt empathy. Everything else will feel much less complicated once your mate feels heard and understood.

When you play back what you heard, always remember to ask these two questions:

  1. Did I get it right?
  2. Did I miss anything?

When your mate feels understood, you may use the same format to respond with what was happening for you. Then he or she can replay what you said.

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Remember 1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-7.

Love is large and incredibly patient.
Love is gentle and consistently kind to all.
It refuses to be jealous
when blessing comes to someone else.
Love does not brag about one’s achievements,
nor inflate its own importance.
Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect,
nor selfishly seek its own honor.
Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense.
Love joyfully celebrates honesty
and finds no delight in what is wrong.
Love is a safe place of shelter,
for it never stops believing the best for others
Love never takes failure as defeat,
for it never gives up.