Category:Christian Marriage

You remember the Story. God created the heavens and the earth, and everything in them. All of it was good. Except that Adam was alone. So God created Woman for him. And Adam named her Eve. Perfect.

The Psychology of Men

Way back in 2008, I taught a full course on men at Azusa Pacific University. As part of the course, we created a blog, The Psych of Men. One post is about Abraham Lincoln, and this quote about women:

“A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me.“

Surprisingly, even after all this time, the site still gets a fair number of visitors. Very cool. For example, on Tuesday, May 3, 2016, Will from Oklahoma commented,

I am 23 and i can tell you why men fear women, women are really wonderful and we are afraid to screw up you know like that afraid of something that seems to good to be true and at the same time is alive and talking to you. God really knew what he was doing just think how Adam reacted Genesis 2:23 “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” this was basically a gasp of amazement at God’s work.

Yes, “too good to be true” can be a little scary.

For both people. Women desire men, but we’re easily influenced by the culture around us. Which leaves a woman a little confused about what a healthy Christian man really needs.

What a Man Needs

We know it’s not good for him to be alone (Genesis 2:18). But exactly how is she to be his helpmate? Well, a woman can help her man win his battles with the enemy of his soul. To do that, she must learn all she can about his needs. But she won’t likely hear what they are directly from him. Mostly because it’s too vulnerable … and thus breaks the Boy Code.

So, ladies, here’s The Short List … in a Long Message.
Print this. Hold onto it. Until you’ve got the whole thing memorized.

1. Your Attention

Men are only interested in one thing? Well, whether you believe me or not, it’s not sex. Yes, it’s true that sex with his wife is one thing that makes a man feel loved. But, what he needs most is a woman’s positive attention.

• Look at him adoringly when he talks to you.
• Listen intently to what he has to say.

Every time he speaks, he’s sharing something about who he is – his thoughts, his beliefs, his hopes, his fears, his values. Men share far more than we realize, but they do it differently than we do. And if he believes you’re interested, he’ll keep talking.

• Be a safe person for him.

Don’t evaluate what he says or compare him to yourself or to another man. Don’t probe or ask questions, unless you’re simply saying, “Tell me more.” And don’t share intimate details with your girlfriends.

2. Your Acceptance

Have you ever responded to your guy’s gift with some sort of critique?

• He “wasted” money on flowers.
• You’d rather have such-and-such.
• Why didn’t he _____ (fill in the blank)?

If you do that to him again and again, he’ll be inclined to question the possibility of making you happy. And at some point, he won’t even try anymore.

Your man wants to be your hero – always. God designed him with a natural desire to protect you, to guide you, and to hold you – to make you happy – if you’ll only let him. He won’t do it perfectly. So you will need to let go of your tendency to correct him, to teach him, to give him advice.

Those messages tell him he’s not good enough – that he will never be good enough – and that he’ll never be able to make you happy.

You don’t have to pretend that he’s perfect, or that his gifts are perfect. When you accept what he brings to your life, you are accepting him. And that’s a very good thing.

3. Your Affection

We are all so hungry for human touch, and we rarely get that need met. Women, of course, have a better shot at it because it’s more socially acceptable for them to hug one another. But we do more than just hug. We actually hold one another.

But after a certain age (sometime in elementary school), men are rarely held … unless they’re having sex. Perhaps that’s what makes sex so important to a man’s well-being?

An Experiment. When dinner’s ready tonight, don’t holler at him to come and eat. Go to wherever he is and stand beside him, place your hand on his shoulder or arm, then smile and softly say, “Dinner’s ready.”

Then turn and walk away quietly. Even if he doesn’t move a muscle or say a word … or even come and eat … you can be sure your touch and soft voice registered in his brain.

There’s nothing more calming than making contact with the person you love.

• So make physical contact as often as you can.
• You don’t have to be dramatic about it. Start slow.
• Remember, his brain will notice even if he doesn’t.
• And if he’s in the mood for sex, take it as a positive indicator
  that he needs to be held … by you.

4. Your Appreciation

A simple “Thank You” goes a long, long way.

Enough said?
Yes, I believe it is.

5. Your Admiration

This need is way more important than you might believe. And it’s something you probably don’t think about giving to him nearly often enough. Men need a woman’s admiration. It’s not an ego thing. It’s an actual factual emotional need.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

• If you’re a man, how does this list sound to you?
• If you’re a woman, is this new information?
  How might you use it to bring you closer?

A man is a wonderful Problem-solver. It’s how his brain is designed to work. Whenever his woman has a problem, he loves to be able to solve it for her because …

• It gives his brain great satisfaction.
• It enhances his masculine sense of self.
• When she takes his advice, he feels needed.
  • If she asked for advice and doesn’t take it, he wonders why she asked.
  • If she didn’t ask, but he offered, he’ll wonder if she needs him at all.

The Pleaser

This is one that so many women don’t completely grasp. Most men I meet – even the ones who are coming to counseling to work through some very difficult relationship issues – simply want their wives to be happy.

• They desperately want to please their wives,
• but they just can’t seem to figure out how to do it.
• Sadly, most men are willing to settle for an end to the arguing.

Men hate conflict.

Many shut down in an attempt to slow it down …or to avoid it altogether. We call that stonewalling, and it invariably has exactly the opposite effect than the one he’s hoping to achieve.

So a man often gives in to his woman just to bring an end to the argument. When he gives in to you, he gives up the Power he needs in order to be your Protector, Provider, and Problem-solver just for the sake of ending the argument. It’s emasculating.

Both People Matter

Although a man should never just do whatever his woman say just to make her happy, he shouldn’t tune her out either. A man in a successful relationship is open to his woman’s feedback. But when either person becomes a doormat, it creates different problems. Because both people matter.

Just to see her smile …
because her happiness makes him happy, too!

Ladies: Please believe me when I say he really wants to see you actively, joyously happy … especially with him. When that happens, you both win.

If you want to stop the enemy, you need to understand his strategies against men. The quickest and easiest ways for the enemy to attack a man is to convince him that he is inadequate. And he most often uses a woman to do the attacking for him.

We know that because women have no less than a bazillion ways of telling men they don’t measure up … and thereby unwittingly usurping their God-given power.

A few ways women communicate that a man is inadequate:

• She smirks or rolls her eyes at him.
• She gives him unsolicited advice or instructions, saying something like:
  • Why don’t you ____?
  • You should ____.
• She talks about him to other people like he’s not there.
• She laughs at him when he’s not trying to be funny.
• She blames him for whatever has just gone wrong, making herself look better.
• She corrects or criticizes him. This one is powerfully emasculating – especially when she does it in front of other people.

Example: A while back, I was waltzing with a friend at a very festive ball, when the couple ahead of us tripped, and the woman crashed onto the floor. Her partner, who was obviously concerned, responded immediately to help her to her feet.

Her response? She glared at him, shaming him by her facial expression as well as her words. I’m still not sure for whom I felt more empathy: her for falling … or him for being yelled at in front of a ballroom full of people.

[callout]Undermine – and even get your revenge on – the enemy
by showing unparalleled respect for Your Man![/callout]

Repair Disconnections as Quickly as Possible

If he shuts you out when you’re talking, stop and ask him what he heard you say.

If he’s honest with you, he’ll tell you that it felt like an attack, blame, or criticism.
And if he tells you that, BELIEVE HIM.

• It does not mean that’s what you were trying to do.
• It just means that what you said got lost in translation,
  and you can try again … using different words.