Premarital Education Archives | Page 20 of 23

April 28, 2016September 11, 2019

The Making of a Man

I love to see a woman who knows how to love her man. She knows he’s sensitive to her. And she uses that knowledge to build him up. She responds lovingly to the man that God created him to be. Affirming both who he is – as well as who he is is becoming.

She gives her man something he cannot get anywhere else. She nurtures his heart. Something every man needs. Daily. But far too few experience enough of being “loved on.”

And I’m determined to change that!
“So just how does it work?” you ask.

Case Study #1

A couple of years ago, I had the opportunity to attend a meeting led by a man whose teachings had greatly impacted my life. At the end of his presentation, I walked up to thank him for what he had done in accelerating my own spiritual growth.

Within moments, his wife was by his side. As she snuggled his arm with great affection, I gave her a quick, one-sentence summary of what I’d been saying to her husband.

She was all smiles. “Isn’t he great? Have you listened to his talk on ____? It’s the best! Amazing and powerful. I think we have it on the back table. You should get a copy!”

The man had been friendly and cordial up to that point. But he was obviously exhausted.

At the sound of her voice, his face broke into the one of the most joyous smiles I’d ever seen on a man. Her actions and her words were a mirror reflecting how God saw him.

Suddenly he just couldn’t help himself
because he was basking in her reflection of him.

Although a gifted speaker, he was an introvert. She was an extrovert. And I had the distinct impression she was rescuing him. I could see how tired he was. But she could feel it.

Case Study #2

Just this morning, I was watching a video on YouTube. Different guy. One I’d not heard speak before. He asked his wife to come up and pray before he began. As soon as she began to pray, her enthusiasm for the Lord made him smile.

Then she touched her husband’s shoulder and continued, “And, Lord, this amazing, handsome, talented, kind, wonderful,” [paused with her hand on his back and head briefly on his shoulder] “man. God, we just pray, Lord, all of what you have to bring through him. God, we just say yes to that, too.”

His face lit up like a little boy’s on Christmas morning.
One who’d suddenly discovered exactly what he’d asked for there under the Tree.

I actually replayed this clip several times.
Such joy! Such fun! Such pure delight!

Both of these women understood their own man.

They knew his hopes and fears.
As well as the nature of his sensitivity.
And they knew how to nurture his heart.

You can’t love and encourage a man if you don’t take time to get to know him.

So let’s talk about Nature and Nurture in a man’s life.

Researchers and philosophers have long debated the role of nature versus nurture in directing the processes of human development.

Findings have been inconsistent in terms of which is more powerful:

our biology or
our environment.

Consequently, they sort of gave it all up and focused their studies on understanding the interactions between these primary two factors.

Psychological experiments on human beings are unethical. So we must rely on observations of what exists naturally within the world – just like King Solomon did.

Without the benefit – or the risk – of studying cause-and-effect relationships, we can only recognize correlations among various factors and suggest probabilities.

The Bottom Line: Researchers can only report what’s likely true. We can’t really know anything for sure. That is, we must admit that it depends upon a multitude of factors.

Nevertheless, what we learn can be helpful in providing some probable – or at least plausible – explanations for why people are the way they are.

The same is true for the info I share.

It probably applies to most men.
It may or may not apply to the man in question.
So give the info serious thought.
Include some thoughtful discussion. If you ask him if this applies to him – and actually listen to what he says, it’ll be an affirming conversation for you both!

What We All Need to Know About Men

Nature: Men are more sensitive than women. (more on that later)
Nurture: And they learn The Boy Code at a very early age.
- Be a Sturdy Oak.
- Give ‘Em Hell.
- Be the Big Wheel
- No Sissy Stuff Allowed

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

What info I’ve shared – so far – seems to fit or not fit the men you know?
How have you observed the interplay between these factors?

April 25, 2016April 25, 2019

Positively Amazing

Men are amazing! Positively amazing. You may not share my opinion. Especially if you’re a man who’s failed. Or a woman who’s been deeply hurt. But it’s a fact. An absolute fact. And the woman writing this? She’s been hurt by men. A lot.

I have sons.
Three of them.
Raised by a single mom.

And I wasn’t a psychologist back then. So I had no clue about what men were really like. Fortunately, my sons have forgiven me – for the most part – for all the mistakes I made.

My youngest son graduated from college
the same year I earned my doctorate at Biola University.
The same year I wrote my dissertation on mothers and sons.

I cried while writing it.
Because I had no clue what a boy’s experience
was like until I started doing research for that paper.

I wasn’t alone in my ignorance. Most women don’t understand how a man thinks. What he feels. Or why he behaves the way he does. Simply put, a man is complicated because a woman has no explanation for him … at least not one that he readily offers.

So women are confused about men. And men are sometimes confused about themselves. But mostly, men operate by Very Different Unspoken Rules than women do.

And one of those Unspoken Rules says there’s no need to explain the obvious.

However, what seems obvious to a man can be utterly confusing to a woman.

What do you know that ain’t so?

Men try to act as though they have it all together.
And most women erroneously believe that men think they have it all together.

But most men struggle with a degree of anxiety and/or depression. Almost every day. However, it plays out differently for men than it does for women.

Men worry if they will ever be good enough.
Some men fake it by adopting a domineering persona.
Other men withdraw, choosing to live a life of quiet desperation.

But the Lord sees a man differently than he sees himself.

Gideon had given up. Filled with anxiety about his future. Threshing wheat in a wine press. Hiding from the Midianites. Then the angel of the Lord showed up. Told Gideon what he thought of him. And a whole new conversation began. One that changed everything.

When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon,
he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”
(Judges 6:12)

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

How are men portrayed in the media today?
What are some commonly held beliefs about men?
What life experiences have affected the way you see men today?

EXERCISE

MEN: Ask the Lord how He sees you. Ask every day until you hear His answer. Then engage in an ongoing conversation with Him about who He made you to be.
WOMEN: Ask the Lord how He sees the man you love. Ask every day until you hear His answer. Then engage in conversation with the Lord about your role in his life.

April 22, 2016April 2, 2017

A Heavenly Gift

When God created Adam, He knew that one person wouldn’t enough to fulfill His dreams. Although Adam was clueless about what he was missing, his All-Wise Creator wasn’t. The Lord knew man could not do so very well on his own. He would need someone to adore.

So God’s personal gift to Adam was his woman – created from his own body. So much like himself, yet so very different, Eve would have the natural capacity to complete Adam and to help focus his passion on someone outside of himself.

In the 21st Century, a man’s love for his woman is intended to spur him into the realization that she is God’s gift to him – his reason for living – his hope and his joy in the full experience of the Lord’s goodness.

Without a godly wife, a man will starve to death emotionally and relationally. Instead – with her by his side – he gets to feast on her femininity – to draw energy and inspiration from the closeness of her Beauty.

Feminine Strength + Submission = Beauty

Ladies, do you consider yourself a strong woman?
Many of us do.

But what is the Source of your strength?

By now, you’d think I’d know myself pretty well, and I do. Yet I’m amazed at how the Lord continually reveals truth to me … not only about others, but also about myself.

I knew I was pretty good at that “submission stuff” in my first marriage, but I didn’t realize until recently, that I didn’t understand the whole equation.

My submission wasn’t a strength-based choice.

It was rooted in my fear. Fear of displeasing my husband. And losing him. And because of my fear, I was never a truly strong woman. And I lost my husband.

Many women I meet are good at that “strength stuff” in their marriages.
But their strength is often false. Rooted in fear. Defensive.

Sometimes we toughen ourselves up to get through life, and we lose our true strength in the process. In other words, many women develop a false sense of strength as a defense against being hurt. But in the end, it causes them and their partners to experience unnecessary pain, and they both lose.

Defensiveness simply doesn’t work in marriage. Ever.

So what’s the source of our True Strength? It’s the Joy of the Lord. He is Our Strength and Our Song. We abide in Him, and He produces the Fruits of the Spirit within us. Truly, there’s nothing sweeter than that!

So learn to live in the reality that the Lord cherishes you as His Beloved Daughter. And that His desire is to teach your husband to cherish you, too!

Submission is a choice.

From True Strength you have the wonderful opportunity to choose Submission … to the Lord first, then to your husband. That’s what makes a woman truly Beautiful.

Clearly, we are created as partners.

Essential partners in the work of the Kingdom of God. Through Christ, we are redeemed to fulfill the purpose for which we were created. Man is the Leader, and woman is the Follower. He’s not a dictator, and she’s not a silent, powerless subject.

Fortunately, as we get things back in their proper, Heavenly perspective, man has what he needs to do his job, to live out his life passionately doing what God designed him to do.

If you are a wife, you are created to be your husband’s “rescuer” (Genesis 2), so it’s important to know exactly how to do that … and how to do it really well.

So much of your husband’s success depends on your walk with the Lord … and your desire to be the woman that he needs you to be.

As women, we have never been without relationship of another human being. We, therefore conclude that we are the “Relationship Experts.”

But most of us make the grievous error of believing it is our job … as the “Relationship Expert” … to fix, manage, and control a man. Indeed, it is most assuredly not! We have a much Higher Purpose!

A woman is to be her man’s Sweet Companion and Confidant.
Motivated simply by her presence, he will do almost anything to make her smile.

She’s there to let him know when he’s on the right track. Not to criticize him when he’s not. Her positive, affirming influence will cause her man to excel. And most importantly, to grow in his relationship with The Lord.

But what if she doesn’t think he’s on the right track?

A godly woman will always pray first, then expresses her concern lovingly (Ephesians 4:15) … and briefly. She may be assured that he heard her the first time. So her job from that moment forward is to pray for her mate with insight, fully confident that The Lord will answer her prayers.

If her man needs changing, The Lord will most surely do it (1 John 5:14). However, she must remain humble, knowing that it might be her The Lord desires to change.