Have you asked yourself what you truly want. Do you want to do life on your own? Or do you want a hero? You may have a vague idea what you want from him. You need to be specific about your desires as you contemplate the possibilities.
He should have certain qualities, of course. Although every man was born to be a hero, some have not developed the strength to be a hero. Too many women choose men with unfulfilled potential, then try to fix them. Yes, I’ve made that mistake a few times, too. It can be a hard habit to break.
Have you asked yourself what you truly want.
Do you want to do life on your own? Or do you want a hero? You may have a vague idea what you want from him. You need to be specific about your desires as you contemplate the possibilities. He should have certain qualities, of course. Although every man was born to be a hero, some have not developed the strength to be a hero. Too many women choose men with unfulfilled potential, then try to fix them. Yes, I’ve made that mistake a few times, too. It can be a hard habit to break.
A hero protects you without smothering you.
He’s always looking out for your best interests. He wants to see you grow and flourish. He knows when to step in, when to step up, and when to applaud your efforts. How cool is that?
A hero provides something. He brings something of himself to the relationship.
He is always looking for ways to contribute to the quality of your life. This isn’t about money. His presence and his wisdom enrich your life. And you enrich his.
A hero wants to spend time with you.
He finds ways to make you smile. He truly enjoys your company. You enjoy several shared activities. As you get older and the kids leave, this becomes more and more important for you both.
Do you fear it’s too late to have such a hero?
More than likely, it’s not too late. You owe it to yourself to make whatever changes are necessary to see your dream fulfilled.
If you’re married, your husband can be your hero.
You once thought of him as having those qualities or you wouldn’t have married him, right? You could try to figure out why he’s not behaving like a hero. Spend years calculating what happened to him. Sometimes you don’t have to know what happened before you make a change. Either way, you can put yourself on a different path with the framework I’m about to share with you. Chances are, he’ll follow you there. Without manipulation, and without him being fully aware of why he’s so drawn to you.
If you’re single, I have good news for you.
You can use this same framework to help you attract the kind of man who wants to protect you, provide for you, and spend time with you. Without manipulation or drama. A man who’s attracted to manipulation and drama isn’t the hero you’re looking for. We could talk about all the things women do that attract the wrong kind of men. But we’ll have to save that discussion for another day.
As we dive into this 4–part framework, you need to know that changing a man for the better is impossible.
If you try to change him, it will always backfire. Every. Single. Time. A man changes when he wants to. When he’s inspired to do so. Inspired is another way to say he’s naturally compelled to do something. That is, he cannot resist the change. He wants the change. He will pursue the change.
I’ve watched this happen. Over and over. With my clients. In my personal life. It’s great fun for you. You cannot lose, no matter what he does or doesn’t do. And it’s great fun for him. Because he loves being the pursuer. It’s a heavenly dance for both of you.
Before I go over this framework, you need to know that these changes are for you. About you. A win for you. And if he plays his cards right, a win for him. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.
Number 1. Build your confidence.
There’s nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who is truly confident in who she is. She’s comfortable with herself, and that puts everyone at ease. Even her husband. If you’re not who you want to be, you can be confident you’ll figure out how to get there. Without stepping on anyone. Without drama or manipulation. Without dismissing men or trying to be one. You are a woman. You are beautiful, brilliant, bold, blessed, and becoming even more so with every step you take. For more on the topic of confidence, listen to Episode 2. A Woman of Noble Character.
As you evaluate your own progress, be self-aware, not self-absorbed. Easy for me to say, right? The only reason I bring this up is because I get caught in that trap myself. Don’t read too much into his non-verbal behavior. Or anyone’s, for that matter. We worry to much about what other people think. And a woman often bases part of her self-worth on what she thinks her husband thinks of her. Not what he actually thinks of her. But what she thinks he thinks of her. That’s dangerous. Thin ice. Avoid it. To do that you’ll have to increase your self-awareness and figure out if you might be self-absorbed. That is, making too much of nothing.
Your confidence will draw him toward you. Despite popular lore, a hero isn’t always looking to save a damsel in distress. Yes, he feels good when he can help. But it’s way more than that. A hero wants to win the attention of a confident woman. And he’ll happily work hard to do so.
Number 2. Be yourself.
That means being open and honest about your own vulnerability. We all have weak spots. Admit when you don’t know something. Admit when you’re wrong. Ask for help. If he says or does something that disappoints you, just say you’re disappointed. Realize you’ll get over it. Move on. Believe it or not, a good man will respond more positively to a short statement than to a lengthy and emotional explanation.
For example, you want to go to the opera. You mention it. He’s not interested. You say, “Okay. I’m disappointed you don’t want to go. I thought it would be romantic.” Then move on. With confidence. If he’s your husband, he’s already committed to you. And you just gave him a way to win points with you. A man loves to win points with his wife. It’s no guarantee he’ll change his mind, of course. But he just might try to find something else romantic for you. If you don’t make a big deal about it. Don’t badger him or shame him or compare him. All he needs to know is that you’re disappointed. If he’s a good guy, he doesn’t want to disappoint you. Let him find a way to make you smile. Let him pursue the opportunity to do so. A hero love to pursue.
Number 3. Be passionate about life.
What lights you up? What do you enjoy doing? What is your life’s calling? What are your hobbies? Embrace the possibilities. Let him see you having a great time engaging in things that you love. I know one woman who loves horses. Her husband is not the least bit interested in riding. But he lights up watching her light up when she’s riding. He looks for ways to add to her experience. He recently bought her a horse. So he can watch her light up even more. Her passion ignites his passion and makes him want to be her hero.
Number 4. Accept him just as he is.
If you can’t accept him, you’re heading down the wrong road. He is a person, not a project. When he does something that pleases you, let him know. Smile. Touch his hand. Kiss his cheek. When you show your appreciation for what he brings to your life, he will work even harder to please you. He doesn’t have to do everything perfectly.
When he’s headed in the right direction, reward him. It won’t take much. The closer he gets to hero status, the longer you hold your gaze when you smile at him. You wouldn’t believe how much that melts a man. I’ve watched it happen in my office so many times. I remember one man in particular. His wife turned and looked at him, and he totally forgot what he was saying. It was so sweet.