Category:The Psychology of Men

For a better understanding of male nurture, let’s take a quick look at the second part of my last post. According to Attachment Theory, healthy human development relies heavily upon the processes of relationship, especially upon our primary need for emotional connection with someone who is available and responsive to our needs.

However, boys typically experience relational trauma that girls rarely do. Early on in life, it usually goes something like this …

As a toddler, he got picked on by another kid at the park …

• And His mom or dad held back to see what he would do.
• When he came to report the offense, he was required to provide explanation.
• His tears were something shameful.
• Big boys don’t cry, so stop whining and figure out what to do.
• He learned that he was on his own.
• He would have to solve his own problems somehow.

What’s so amazing about the Nature of a Man? Researchers have found evidence that male infants are more emotional than female infants from birth until at least 6 to 12 months of age. Compared to girls, infant boys

• coo and smile more often,
• cry more frequently and intensely,
• and experience more rapid fluctuations in emotional states.

However, by 2 years of age …

• there is already a noticeable reversal in verbal expression.

And by 6 years of age …

• there is a noticeable difference in facial expression as well.

Furthermore, boys seem to have a natural tendency to express their feelings more through action than by talking about them.

Whatever the reason, boys demonstrate an ability to avoid overt responses to emotion between four and six years of age – interestingly, about the time they usually enter kindergarten. (We’ll explore some possible explanations for that, too.)

Male Nature –  fast forward to adulthood

• Once they grow up, do men even have feelings anymore?
• Or have they simply been disconnected from their own emotions?

Marital research conducted over the past several decades suggests that men really do have feelings – very strong ones – and that they are highly aware of each and every one of them.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

• What do you believe about men and their emotions?
• How do you think your belief effects your relationship?

I love to see a woman who knows how to love her man. She knows he’s sensitive to her. And she uses that knowledge to build him up. She responds lovingly to the man that God created him to be. Affirming both who he is – as well as who he is is becoming.

She gives her man something he cannot get anywhere else. She nurtures his heart. Something every man needs. Daily. But far too few experience enough of being “loved on.”

Case Study #1

A couple of years ago, I had the opportunity to attend a meeting led by a man whose teachings had greatly impacted my life. At the end of his presentation, I walked up to thank him for what he had done in accelerating my own spiritual growth.

Within moments, his wife was by his side. As she snuggled his arm with great affection, I gave her a quick, one-sentence summary of what I’d been saying to her husband.

She was all smiles. “Isn’t he great? Have you listened to his talk on ____? It’s the best! Amazing and powerful. I think we have it on the back table. You should get a copy!”

The man had been friendly and cordial up to that point. But he was obviously exhausted.

At the sound of her voice, his face broke into the one of the most joyous smiles I’d ever seen on a man. Her actions and her words were a mirror reflecting how God saw him.

Although a gifted speaker, he was an introvert. She was an extrovert. And I had the distinct impression she was rescuing him. I could see how tired he was. But she could feel it.

Case Study #2

Just this morning, I was watching a video on YouTube. Different guy. One I’d not heard speak before. He asked his wife to come up and pray before he began. As soon as she began to pray, her enthusiasm for the Lord made him smile.

Then she touched her husband’s shoulder and continued, “And, Lord, this amazing, handsome, talented, kind, wonderful,” [paused with her hand on his back and head briefly on his shoulder] “man. God, we just pray, Lord, all of what you have to bring through him. God, we just say yes to that, too.”

• They knew his hopes and fears.
• As well as the nature of his sensitivity.
• And they knew how to nurture his heart.

So let’s talk about Nature and Nurture in a man’s life.

Researchers and philosophers have long debated the role of nature versus nurture in directing the processes of human development.

Findings have been inconsistent in terms of which is more powerful:

• our biology or
• our environment.

Consequently, they sort of gave it all up and focused their studies on understanding the interactions between these primary two factors.

Psychological experiments on human beings are unethical. So we must rely on observations of what exists naturally within the world – just like King Solomon did.

Without the benefit – or the risk – of studying cause-and-effect relationships, we can only recognize correlations among various factors and suggest probabilities.

The Bottom Line: Researchers can only report what’s likely true. We can’t really know anything for sure. That is, we must admit that it depends upon a multitude of factors.

Nevertheless, what we learn can be helpful in providing some probable – or at least plausible – explanations for why people are the way they are.

The same is true for the info I share.

• It probably applies to most men.
• It may or may not apply to the man in question.
• So give the info serious thought.
• Include some thoughtful discussion. If you ask him if this applies to him – and actually listen to what he says, it’ll be an affirming conversation for you both!

What We All Need to Know About Men

• Nature: Men are more sensitive than women. (more on that later)
• Nurture: And they learn The Boy Code at a very early age.
  • Be a Sturdy Oak.
  • Give ‘Em Hell.
  • Be the Big Wheel
  • No Sissy Stuff Allowed

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

• What info I’ve shared – so far – seems to fit or not fit the men you know?
• How have you observed the interplay between these factors?