Category:Understanding Men

Posted on

How, What, & Why of Men

The boys were outside playing on a sunny afternoon in May, when my husband announced, “I don’t think I want to be married anymore.”

I was a hot mess.

My whole world suddenly fell apart. Everything I’d counted on was disappearing right before my eyes. As the painful, scary hours turned into months, all my hopes for higher education seemed lost as I gave everything I had to being a single mom … and keeping us all afloat.

  • Emotionally.
  • Spiritually.
  • Financially.

I needed to work full time again, leaving my sons to deal with the loss of their father, and now the loss of their mother … as they knew her.

The boys and I struggled for 4 1/2 years before something began to shift. Looking back on it now, I know it was The Lord Himself. Because whenever we think “impossible,” we can be absolutely sure He’s having a different thought.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.” ISAIAH 55:8-9

When The Lord puts His mind to something, hang on tight! It’s going to be a wild ride!

I was 40 by the time I started college, and – like most older students – I wanted the content of my studies to have practical application to everyday life. As a single mother raising three sons, choosing my topic was easy. Every paper I wrote was about boys and men.

Writing my dissertation on Mothers & Sons was also the obvious choice, in part because I had already collected so much information, but also because I realized I had so much more to learn!

I still wanted to know …

  • How men think
  • What – if anything – men feel
  • Why they tend to do what they do

I was in for a real surprise. Men have been eager to share with me. Probably because I’m one of the few women who has cared enough to ask. And I don’t try to change them. That’s not what they need.

  • They not only have different biology, they have totally different life experiences that lead to a very different worldview.
  • Men feel very deeply. In fact, they are far more sensitive than we think they are. Even more sensitive than a woman – about certain things.
  • Their behavior reflects their God-given purpose on this earth and/or the frustrations around its non-fulfillment.

I have so much to tell you that it won’t fit in one post. So if you want to know more:

Posted on

Why Men Think & Feel What They Do

Like most older students (I was 40 by the time I started college), I wanted the content of my studies to have practical application to everyday life. As a single mother raising three sons, choosing my topic was easy. Every paper I wrote was about boys and men.

Writing my dissertation on Mothers & Sons was also the obvious choice, in part because I had already collected so much information, but also because I realized I had so much more to learn!

I still wanted to know …

  • How men think
  • What – if anything – men feel
  • Why they tend to do what they do

And once I earned my doctorate, I had more opportunity to conduct my own qualitative, case study research. I was in for a real surprise. Men have been eager to share with me. Probably because I’m one of the few women who has cared enough to ask. And I don’t try to change them. That’s not what they need.

Men need to be understood and respected because:

  • They not only have different biology, they have very different life experiences that lead to a totally different worldview.
  • Men feel very deeply. In fact, they are far more sensitive than we think they are. Even more sensitive than a woman – about certain things.
  • Their behavior reflects their God-given purpose on this earth and/or the frustrations around its non-fulfillment.

Learn more in this free preview > A Wise Woman’s Guide to Creating a Joyful Marriage

Posted on

3 Reasons Men Won’t Go to Couple’s Counseling

Couple's CounselingDo you wish you were in couple’s counseling, but your husband won’t go? You’re not alone. In fact, many women spend several years urging their husbands to get help, either as a couple or as an individual.

They chalk it up to stubbornness, an unwillingness to admit he is wrong, or complaints that it takes too much time/costs too much. However, men actually have very good reasons to avoid the counseling office.

Here are the first three that come to mind:

1. Shame. Seeking counseling breaks the #1 Rule of Masculinity: “Don’t be weak.”

Men learn the Rules of Masculinity as boys. By the time they enter kindergarten, they have already learned the Rules at a deep emotional level.  The Rules are essential to their identity as a member of the male gender. To break the Rules means certain shame: his vulnerability exposed in front of his peers.

2. Fear. Going to couple’s counseling is volunteering for an emotional suicide mission.

Being open and vulnerable, yet able to handle the onslaught of emotions that brings, is a major goal of psychotherapy. And most therapists (male and female alike) totally ignore the fact that men are far more sensitive from birth than are women. They don’t acknowledge that he has his defenses up for very good reason and, instead, try to get through that wall at any cost. Usually by attacking, blaming, and criticism. Sometimes it’s subtle. Other times, not-so-subtle.

3. Doubt. Couple’s counseling doesn’t often offer much hope for a man.

Sadly, too many counselors choose sides. They’re not thinking about the man’s needs, only the fact that he’s disengaged. So the cycle continues and intensifies during the session. I’ve heard so many stories about counselors who just sit there while the wife attacks her husband, then they recap what she’s upset about. That type of intervention perpetuates his Male Relational Dread and makes him want to run … or least not return for another session.

Even the kindest, most well-intentioned, most well-trained counselor can miss this.

So what can you do about it?

You have far more power than you realize. Schedule an appointment for yourself and invite him to join you. In other words, tell him you want to work on yourself and let him know you’d like his input in the safety of the counseling office.

Instead of trying to change him with more of the same strategies that have never worked yet, why not take a whole new approach? Grow in wisdom, confidence, and influence. Then learn to use your wisdom, confidence, and influence in new, more productive ways.

No, you are not responsible for what he does.
Those are his choices to make.

However, you do have the responsibility to learn how what you say and do influence his choices. In fact, you were created to influence him. And he is designed (physically, emotionally, spiritually) to be influenced by you. Not controlled. Influenced.

Additional Resource: Quick Start Guide to Understanding Men