Better Couple Communication: Be Careful What You Say

Honest couple communication – especially between husband & wife – is essential for creating connection and lasting joy. But should you be able to say whatever you want to your mate?

I’ve always tried to be careful what I say to My Beloved. But many folks – mostly women, it seems; but some men, too – believe you should be able to say whatever you want to your mate. They call it “just being honest.”

On the other hand, some are too careful about what they say because they’re trying to get a particular response from their partner. Actually, that’s manipulation, and I’ve never seen it work to create true connection in any relationship.

The Psychology of Better Couple Communication

As a Couples Psychologist, I’ve seen both extremes.

“letting it all out” or
“tiptoeing around”

The saddest thing about those who’d like better couple communication is that most don’t even realize what they’re actually doing!

So here are my 5 Reasons for being careful what you say.

1. Words can hurt.

Think before you speak: Could what you are about to say be experienced as attacking, blaming, or criticizing? Just because your feelings are hurt does not give you the right to hurt someone in return.


Two “wrongs” never make a “right.”


A counterattack will not get you the response you’re hoping for when you are hurt, but will instead elicit a defensive response from the one who hurt you. Consider these two options and you would respond to each:

What you just said really hurt.

versus …

You’re such a jerk!

2. Words can heal.

Be kind and gracious toward one another. You may have heard that “hurt people hurt people.” Consider what might be behind the other person’s behavior. Chances are he is acting defensively by being offensive … like I just warned you against doing (see above).

If you’re partnered with someone you love, it’s probably because you really like the person he normally is. So if he is behaving in a way that is “out of character,” it makes more sense to assume he has a good reason for that.  Not an excuse, but a reason. Why not find out what it could be?

You seem really tense today. What’s happening?

If you don’t get an answer that makes sense, you can follow up with …

Ok. I’m sorry I burned the toast, but it seems like it’s more than that. I care about you, and I’m here if you want to talk about whatever else seems to be going on.

Then stop talking. Go on about whatever you would be doing under less stressful circumstances, remaining open to hear what’s troubling him when he’s ready to talk about it. (See also When You Love a Broken Man.)

NOTE: Please know that I am not talking here about anyone who is in an abusive relationship, which requires a different strategy. Here is a quick way to evaluate your situation, and if you are in an abusive relationship, please seek the help of a local mental health professional or Christian Care Connect for additional types of care providers.

3. Words can curse.

Assuming the worst about your mate and saying it aloud is essentially the same as pronouncing a curse upon him. Trust me. You don’t want to speak out that kind of potentially self-fulfilling prophecy! (James 3:10)

You know you’re cursing if you begin with “you always …” or “you never …”

It’s also wise to be aware that saying those things to your friends or relatives – with earshot of your spouse or when he’s not around – still register as curses.


The wise woman builds her house,
But with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. (Proverbs 14:1)


4. Words can bless.

better couple communication be careful what you sayPaul’s admonition to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:5) does not give you permission to tell your mate everything you think is wrong with him.

I believe what Paul means is that you should speak the Truth about how God him: as His Dearly Beloved Child.

The most important thing you can do for your mate is to learn to see him as God sees him. Jesus loves him as the man he is, as well as the man he is becoming. Let’s partner with that!


“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
    I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” Jeremiah 31:3


5. Words can create.

What we think – and especially what we say – impacts the world around us. And that includes the people you love – as well as the people you don’t.

We all believe the world is in more trouble than it’s ever been. So use the creative power of your words to make the world a better place.


For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16-17



Here are a few more words from the Word about words … and reasons to be careful what you say.

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. (Genesis 1:3)

I will proclaim the name of the Lord.
    Oh, praise the greatness of our God! (Deuteronomy 32:3)

As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:10-11)

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1:1-5)

Then the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!” And he added, “These are the true words of God.” (Revelation 19:9)

How to Find Joy in the Mercy of a Do-Over

do over

The Lord has given me a clear Vision of Identity and Romance in His Kingdom. Yet My Own Dream seems to be just beyond my reach. I’ve messed up a lot, to be sure. Over and over again. Maybe I’m not ready yet. How can I ever be? What am I missing?

I once believed that God was using my losses and failures to punish me. For some unknown sin or error. And I was on my own to figure it out.

But that isn’t the Character of God,
who created me and sent His Son to die for me.

Finding Hope in the Pain of a Setback

Just so you know, as if you didn’t already. I can’t fix anything. For myself or anybody else. But I can share what I’m learning in my own process. So here is what I understand about messing up when it comes to Identity and Romance:

  • Holding on to less-than-God’s-best hurts.
  • Pain gets our attention. And that’s a good thing.
  • But we only want the pain to go away. And that’s a bad thing.

Finding Joy in the Mercy of a Do-Over

The Book of Lamentations is filled with sorrowful songs. And its conclusion reminds us of The Lord’s character as we face our desired Do-Over.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for His mercies never come to an end.
They are new every morning;
    great is Your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Pain is a Gift – a sign that it’s time for a do-over

Unlike the folks in the Old Testament, we are not being punished for getting it wrong. Because Jesus paid the price for our sins and set us FREE from God’s wrath. So why do we hurt so much? And, no, you cannot use other people as your scapegoat.

Here are a few possibilities:

  • We will always reap whatever we sow.
  • We try to get things our own way (through manipulation, etc.).
  • We don’t understand that God has something better He wants to give us.

Maybe it’s time to let the Holy Spirit redecorate your heart!

I love how the Holy Spirit helps us pass our tests with flying colors! He’s been incredibly Merciful toward me. Pure Kindness. Ever Gentle. The Best Teacher ever!!!

So have a conversation with Him. He loves to talk with us. If you don’t believe me, give Him a try! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, eh?

These questions are a pretty good place to begin:

  • What are you trying to show me, Lord?
  • What am I trying to force that doesn’t fit Your Plan for my life?
  • What messed-up mindset am I holding on to that you would like to replace?

Embrace the Exciting Possibilities of Your Instead!

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
    that have been devastated for generations.
Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
    foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
And you will be called priests of the Lord,
    you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
    and in their riches you will boast.

Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours. (Isaiah 61:1-7)

Made for Each Other

made for each other

Eve was created for Adam. He didn’t even know he needed anything. But God did. And she was exactly what he needed. Likewise, Adam was exactly what Eve needed. He was her Joy and Bliss. Man and Woman are made for each other. We get to enjoy this Truth as we follow the Holy Spirit.

Why on earth would we want to listen to the enemy? Clearly Adam and Eve were made in the likeness of God … and made for each other. The enemy hated their Image (identity) and their Romance (relationship).

  • He lied to Eve.
  • Wounded Adam.
  • Messed up Romance.

If your life has been anything like mine, the enemy has messed with your Image and your Romance on more than one occasion. So you may find it difficult to embrace the Truth that man and woman are made for each other. But we are! By God Himself, and …

If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31b)

The Beauty of a Woman

A woman is creatively designed to follow, and her man’s love and understanding are essential if she is to follow well. Her skill at following him is incredibly important because …

  • Without her, he’s got no hope for becoming all that he could be.
  • And you can’t be a leader if no one is willing to follow you.

She has so much in common with a man. She’s very much like him, yet so very different. She’s soft and curvy. Smells sweet. Emotionally sensitive. Expressive. She sees things differently than he does. Which makes him wonder how she comes up with stuff.

But that’s how she’s got his back.
As well as how he’s got hers!

Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

The Wonder of a Man

A Man is creatively designed to lead, and his woman’s trust and respect are essential for him to be able to lead well.

  • He’s bigger and stronger.
  • He excels in her affirmation.
  • He stands taller in her admiration.
  • And he adores her more than words can say.

But He’s actually more sensitive than she is … and to different things than she is. His sensitivity is primary when it comes to her. Which motivates him to protect her. To provide for her. To be willing to die for her.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 25-33)

Made for Each Other

So many people – both pastors and psychology-types – totally miss this! I’m still amazed at how. I guess the enemy’s deceitful tactics have to be more subtle when he’s trying to undermine these educated professionals’ attempts to renew or repair Image and Romance, eh? After all, if he’s too obvious, we’d all throw him out.

But it’s right there in the Bible!
And it’s our everyday life.

So God created mankind in his own image,
    in the image of God he created them;
    male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27)

I find the Possibilities exciting!
Very exciting indeed!
Don’t you?