What you can do to change a man

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Today I posted a question in our Wise Women’s Facebook group about whether or not you can change a man. More specifically I said, “What can you do to change a man?”

That implies there is a way to do that, right?

I actually wrote about it in my book. For those of you that have read Ephesians 5 Romance: the Truth about Love, then you know there’s a whole chapter on husband improvement. And I go into pretty good detail about how we can shape a man’s behavior by our responses to it. Where typically we try to change somebody by telling them what to do.

That will always come across as an attack, a blame, or a criticism. And it never works. It will always backfire.

I do talk about how to respond well to a man when he’s doing something that you do like, and that will make him want to do it even more!

If you want to read that specific chapter in the book about husband improvement you know you’re welcome to do that. The book is available on Amazon, or you can pull it out if you’ve already got a copy of it and re-read Chapter 22. It will really help you to get a very beginning foundation for the impact that we have on the men that we love.

Our last Women’s Retreat was all about wisdom, confidence, beauty, and influence. It was a wonderful time with some really lovely ladies in Costa Mesa. We really focused on who we are as someone that a man would want to please.

You know the number one thing that draws a man to you is your own confidence. Your confidence will really draw him … like a moth to a flame.

Or if we look at the little video clip that I did, it was actually a moth to a bug zapper! Sometimes I think guys feel that way. They they get drawn to us, and then we don’t like something that they do. Then we zap them!

We don’t want to do that.

That’s not going to help them change. Instead it’s going to make them either get stubborn and stay the same, or it’s actually going to make them run away.

The other thing we talked about in the Women’s Retreat was that besides confidence that we carry with us – in who we are just as women – part of that is going to naturally inspire him and influence him and invite him into a richer experience of life.

So in short, the best way to change a man is for you to become the best woman that you can possibly be with the help of God.

And that is really a lot of fun. It’s easy to get distracted from it though. I totally understand that because we see something going on, and we turn our attention towards that. We try to fix the problem when what we really ought to do is not pay so much attention to the problem and focus more on where we want to go, what we want to have happen.

And that is incredibly incredibly attractive to a man.

As you’re growing and becoming healthier, it’s going to do one of two things for him.

  1. He’s going to be inspired to move forward and become better himself. You know I think about that that line in the movie As Good as It Gets. You may have heard it. It’s where the guy says to the gal, “You make me want to be a better man.” That’s really what we’re talking about here.
  2. But there are other guys who don’t want to be a better man. They want to keep on being “bad.” And if that’s their choice, then they’re going to keep on being bad. Then you’ve got the option. Then you have to decide are you going to stay in that relationship? Or are you going to separate yourself from it? 

I never recommend divorce. I do sometimes recommend separation. Because there are things such as abuse, addiction, adultery, and abandonment that require boundaries that that sometimes include separation from the person. Especially if you really love him, you know you’re not going to enable his behavior or continue to be a doormat or be over-controlling.

Those are two opposites for us, you know.

  • Women can easily turn into a dormant, or
  • we can easily become manipulative and controlling and angry.

So find that healthy balance, knowing confidently who you are in Christ. That is incredibly powerful.

I don’t think we realize just how powerful it is to be female.

We bugged Satan himself so bad that he’s been trying to take women out of commission since the beginning of time. Yet we persist. Because god made us capable of not only producing life, but of nurturing lives that already exist.

So what does that look like? How is that done?

Well, that’s the process of becoming a Wise Woman!

I can share all kinds of truth with you. I can share all kinds of facts with you. But what you do with that knowledge? It’s really up to you.

  • You can think that I don’t know what I’m talking about and walk away. And that’s totally fine.
  • Or you can think that I’m being incredibly unfair and not looking at how hard you have it. And that’s that’s your choice, too.

Personally, I prefer not to let myself become a victim of my circumstances. Because I’ve been there before, and it is not a pretty place to be. So I refuse to be a victim. Too many people nowadays are taking on that victim mentality. Men do it, too.

But we really want to learn how to step into the fullness of who God created us to be.

Jesus said we are the salt of the earth.

Salt is a preservative. It stops decay. It also adds flavor

That’s pretty neat, you know, that we really can have a profound impact on men. We impact one another all the time. We’re social beings. It’s the way that folks respond to us that helps us adapt our behavior. That happens all the time.

Why do we think it would be any different with a man?

The problem is that often we try to fix, manage, and control him. And that’s not the way to do it. Instead what we want to do is become more and more confident in who we are as women, walking in the fullness of our faith. With the full understanding of who we are in Christ.

That will have a profound impact on any man.