Women are simple. That’s an overstatement, of course. However, we are not nearly so complicated as we usually seem … especially to men. However, women are different from men by our very nature. It’s how we were created. And men actually prefer that, yes?
She’s a mystery to be sure. But the fact is, guys, there’s no one you would rather dance through life with than a girl.
However, the very things that draw you to her are the very things that you find confusing.
You’ve probably even wondered – like Professor Henry Higgins (My Fair Lady) – why a woman can’t be more like a man.
NOTE: If you’re not familiar with the story, you can watch the movie trailer here.
But that’s not really what you want. You love the fact that she’s emotionally sensitive and not as big or as strong as you are. But you’re also confused that so much depends on how she feels. And she feels a lot.
And she can talk forever and ever and ever and never get to the point. She looks to you to solve problems for her … sometimes. But just as often, she can get really angry when you try to solve her problems … especially if her feelings are involved. Sheesh.
Another thing that you probably don’t realize is just how differently she’s been treated her entire life … just because she’s female. From the moment her parents found out she was a girl, she has been viewed as sweet and delicate.
For example, as a toddler, she got picked on by another child at the park, and her mom or dad moved in quickly to intervene. She was given lots of comfort, understanding, hugs and kisses, and reassurance that she was cared for. Her tears meant something – helping her communicate that something was wrong. She had verifiable evidence that she mattered. Childhood was a very different experience for her than it was for you.
She was probably trained to be a pleaser. At the very least, she learned that nice girls never come right out and ask for what they want, that they take turns, and that they must always consider how other people might be feeling. So she learned to use a very tentative language, which now to you seems vague at best and just plain crazy making at its worst.
She knew another girl was her best friend because they shared secrets with one another. Unlike your childhood friendships that focused on shared activities among a whole gang of guys, two-by-two proved the best pattern for her. Add a third girl to the equation, and it was an emotional disaster waiting to happen. Sounds weird, huh?
As if the tearfulness and the vagueness and the secret-sharing aren’t enough, the differences between male and female communication are extensive.
You wouldn’t think the same English words could hold such different meanings for two people brought up in the same culture, but they do.
For example, take Sean and Nicole. They decided to take a day trip from Newport Beach to Solvang one Saturday. They’d been on the road for a couple of hours when Nicole said, “Do you want to stop and get something to eat?”
“No,” Sean replied and kept driving.
Nicole’s feelings were immediately hurt. But why? She asked if he wanted to stop, and he merely answered her question. What’s the problem with that?
The problem was that he hadn’t answered the question she was really asking. If he knew the Secret Code, he would have known that what she said was her tentative (feminine) way of saying that she was hungry and asking him if he would stop for her. He would have known to counter with, “Sure. We can if you’d like. Are you hungry?”
Women may be tentative because they fear being labeled as “needy” – which is not a compliment.
Yet another reason is that we want to please you first and foremost, which is the honest explanation for our seemingly wishy-washy reply to your question, “Where do you want to go for dinner?”
When she says, “I don’t care. Wherever you want to go is fine with me,” she’s just trying not to sound demanding … and trying to please you … which actually has the opposite effect. And yes, I am going to tell the women to stop doing that to you. Sigh.
In sum, she’s different from you in that …
- so much depends on how she feels,
- she values conversation for conversation’s sake,
- and much of her self-esteem depends on what she thinks you think of her.
Yes, your opinion actually matters more than anything. She was raised to be a pleaser, and you are the one person she wants to please the most.
And if you are like most men, you would like to make her happy … if you only knew how. But she unknowingly sets you up to fail by not being specific enough. We’re going to work on that one for you, too. I promise.
But first, let’s talk about what she needs from you. And in order to do that we’ll have to break the Secret Code …
I’ll be back again in a few days with another lesson. But if you are eager to learn more now, you can get download my first book on Amazon. It’s also available in softcover.
See you soon!
Learn the Truth About Love
Your love story matters.
It matters because it belongs to you.
It’s what you know and where you live.
Mostly, it matters to God.
What happened to you growing up matters because it’s how you learned about Life and Love and God.
Some of what you learned is true.
That’s what this book is about.