Angry or Anxious?

The issue of women and anxiety is a very confusing one for a lot of men. Yes, I just said “anxiety.” I know the title of this video is “Women and Anger,” but when a man sees his woman upset, all he can tell for sure is that she’s angry. After all, that’s exactly what he sees and hears and feels.

Remember that 93% of communication is nonverbal. So it’s no wonder he doesn’t even think to look past her anger for the anxiety that’s just beneath the surface.

Most of the time, what looks like intense anger, is actually fear.

A woman often freaks out when her man freezes up. She’s often thinking:

  • You’re not listening to what I’m saying.
  • You just don’t get how much this means to me.
  • You don’t have any respect me or my feelings. You don’t care.

She feels like she’s drowning, and that her man doesn’t care that she’s drowning.

He could be her rescuer … if he only knew that’s what was going on.
But he doesn’t.

So he ends up feeling like he’s drowning himself … caught up in the swirling intensity of her emotions.

That is, he may feel very much like someone who’s trying to save a drowning person, and ends up being pulled under the water himself by the panic by the very person he’s trying to rescue. That’s really what’s going on in those moments.

Understanding women and anger. He could be her rescuer if he only knew what was really going on. But he has no idea.

I know it’s next to impossible – when you’re the victim of a woman’s verbal attack – to think she’s afraid of something. It wouldn’t be any man’s first thought.

But, more than likely, she’s not merely angry. When you can recognize her fear and think about finding out why she’s afraid, it could be a very, very helpful thought to have.

A Man’s Anger

A woman also has a really hard time when her man is angry. And it really doesn’t matter if it’s he’s angry at her or something else. Even if he’s feeling generally frustrated with life, his behavior can evoke anxiety in her.

It’s really very, very scary for a woman to be around any angry man.

If she’s your woman, her immediate thought is,

“What’s wrong? Did I do something? Why are you so mad at me?”

Yes, it could be the other drivers who are frustrating you. Or it could be something at work. Maybe you don’t feel well … or whatever. But if it comes across as anger, your woman will still become terrified.

When women are terrified, they come across as angry. And when men are angry, it terrifies women. So we end up with a vicious cycle of anxiety and negative interactions.


  • Which of you seems to be angry more often in your relationship?
  • Have you considered what the underlying vulnerability might be?

Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you. (2 Corinthians 13:11)

Your love story matters. It matters because it belongs to you. It’s what you know and where you live.

Mostly, it matters to God.

What happened to you growing up matters because it’s how you learned about Life and Love and God.

Some of what you learned is true. Some isn’t. That’s what this book is about.

Buy now