My Moment of Truth

It’s true that my father was absent from my life for 37 years.
And that my first two marriages ended in divorce.

For years I believed
all of that was totally my fault.

Later in life, I started studying men from a very different angle: first as an undergraduate psychology student, then as a grad student, and even now as Psychologist & Couples Counselor.

And I have been amazed by what I learned about men.
So I enthusiastically taught all that I was learning
to any woman who was willing to listen.

Then came My Moment of Truth.

On one Sunny Summer Sunday, I met a Cute Boy. Would I be able to apply all that I had learned about men to my own relationship? I began to experiment. Furthermore, I even confessed I was experimenting with him. And he liked it.

He loved it in fact.
But I freaked out.

I cried.
More than you can imagine.
Almost daily. For the next 4 months.

First, my tears were the result of being overwhelmed by Sheer Joy! I was amazed that there could be such perfectly matched companions … & dance partners. Sometimes I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep.

Second, I cried from fear … anticipatory grief.
Because I have a lot of anxious memories.
If you’ve read my story, you know
my amygdalae have stored
enough data to keep me
sad & running scared
for a long time.

I didn’t want the Cute Boy to know. Not ever.
But my fear had reared its ugly head nonetheless
as I ran head on, smack dab, into My Moment of Truth.

Would I be able to sustain this new approach with him?
What more — if anything — did I need to learn?

… to be continued.