Because Every Heroine Deserves a Hero.
The Proverbs 31 woman and femininity? We know about the pressure to perform everything perfectly. But learning what it means to be feminine in a world that devalues femininity is not an easy task. As previously noted, my father was absent from my life for 37 years, & my first two marriages ended in divorce. I believed all of that was my fault until I studied men as a Psychologist & Couples Counselor.
Continue reading “The Proverbs 31 Woman & Femininity”
Looking over my journals for the last 20+ years, I can clearly see how much time I’ve spent whining & begging God to do something. My journals look a lot different nowadays as I’m learning to abide, to receive, and to give thanks for what God
In other words, my approach to my relationship with Him is becoming more present-future focused. Hallelujah!
BOTTOM LINE: Abiding, receiving, and being grateful takes your focus off what’s wrong and puts it on what’s right. Whatever you think about will be magnified, not only in your mind, but in your heart and your actions as well. And it’s the only way marriage can be truly enjoyed for a lifetime … in case you were wondering.
Do you wish you were in couple’s counseling, but your husband won’t go? You’re not alone. In fact, many women spend several years urging their husbands to get help, either as a couple or as an individual.
They chalk it up to stubbornness, an unwillingness to admit he is wrong, or complaints that it takes too much time/costs too much. However, men actually have very good reasons to avoid the counseling office.
Here are the first three that come to mind:
Men learn the Rules of Masculinity as boys. By the time they enter kindergarten, they have already learned the Rules at a deep emotional level. The Rules are essential to their identity as a member of the male gender. To break the Rules means certain shame: his vulnerability exposed in front of his peers.
Being open and vulnerable, yet able to handle the onslaught of emotions that brings, is a major goal of psychotherapy. And most therapists (male and female alike) totally ignore the fact that men are far more sensitive from birth than are women. They don’t acknowledge that he has his defenses up for very good reason and, instead, try to get through that wall at any cost. Usually by attacking, blaming, and criticism. Sometimes it’s subtle. Other times, not-so-subtle.
Sadly, too many counselors choose sides. They’re not thinking about the man’s needs, only the fact that he’s disengaged. So the cycle continues and intensifies during the session. I’ve heard so many stories about counselors who just sit there while the wife attacks her husband, then they recap what she’s upset about. That type of intervention perpetuates his Male Relational Dread and makes him want to run … or least not return for another session.
Even the kindest, most well-intentioned, most well-trained counselor can miss this.
You have far more power than you realize. Schedule an appointment for yourself and invite him to join you. In other words, tell him you want to work on yourself and let him know you’d like his input in the safety of the counseling office.
Instead of trying to change him with more of the same strategies that have never worked yet, why not take a whole new approach? Grow in wisdom, confidence, and influence. Then learn to use your wisdom, confidence, and influence in new, more productive ways.
However, you do have the responsibility to learn how what you say and do influence his choices. In fact, you were created to influence him. And he is designed (physically, emotionally, spiritually) to be influenced by you. Not controlled. Influenced.