The Psychology of Men Archives | Page 12 of 20 | A Heroic Journey to Uncommon Love

June 21, 2019June 24, 2019

My Moment of Truth

It’s true that my father was absent from my life for 37 years.
And that my first two marriages ended in divorce.

For years I believed
all of that was totally my fault.

Later in life, I started studying men from a very different angle: first as an undergraduate psychology student, then as a grad student, and even now as Psychologist & Couples Counselor.

And I have been amazed by what I learned about men.
So I enthusiastically taught all that I was learning
to any woman who was willing to listen.

Then came My Moment of Truth.

On one Sunny Summer Sunday, I met a Cute Boy. Would I be able to apply all that I had learned about men to my own relationship? I began to experiment. Furthermore, I even confessed I was experimenting with him. And he liked it.

He loved it in fact.
But I freaked out.

I cried.
More than you can imagine.
Almost daily. For the next 4 months.

First, my tears were the result of being overwhelmed by Sheer Joy! I was amazed that there could be such perfectly matched companions … & dance partners. Sometimes I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep.

Second, I cried from fear … anticipatory grief.
Because I have a lot of anxious memories.
If you’ve read my story, you know
my amygdalae have stored
enough data to keep me
sad & running scared
for a long time.

I didn’t want the Cute Boy to know. Not ever.
But my fear had reared its ugly head nonetheless
as I ran head on, smack dab, into My Moment of Truth.

Would I be able to sustain this new approach with him?
What more — if anything — did I need to learn?

… to be continued.

June 14, 2019October 16, 2019

3 Reasons I Hate Going to Church on Father’s Day

My own father was absent from my life for 37 years. Five months after we finally reconnected, he died of a heart attack. But it’s not personal sadness that makes me shy away from church on Father’s Day. It’s what I learned about men after my father passed away. And I cannot bear to sit there and listen. So I just stand up and walk out quietly.

Because the Father’s Day message
is not at all like the Mother’s Day message.

Furthermore, it’s not just one pastor. It has happened in every church I’ve ever attended.

On Mother’s Day, we’re told …

to honor & respect the woman who raised us, and
to show her appreciation & love for all she does.

However, the Father’s Day message is quite the opposite.

Instead of hearing how wonderful men are & how their families should celebrate them, men get a lecture – meant to be a pep talk, I suppose.

Therefore, fathers are told …

You have tons of responsibility. (He’s painfully aware of that already).
You’re not doing as good as you could be doing. (He already feels inadequate.)
You need to “man up” or your kids will not turn out well. (He already feels emasculated.)

These are the 3 Reasons I cannot sit there & listen
without wanting to shout out “STOP!”

Because these well-meaning pastors are actually increasing a father’s pain & vulnerability – without realizing it. He doesn’t recognize that his fellow man’s secretly-held self-perception is just like his:

I am weak.
I am inadequate.
I am filled with shame.

Can we please turn this around? Please?

Research in the psychology of men shows that men respond better to empathy & affirmation than to criticism & shame. Duh.

Empathy for how hard he works & affirmation of what he’s getting right will actually make a man want to be more, to do more. But a man rarely – if ever – gets either one.

So here’s my outline for the perfect Father’s Day Sermon:

We celebrate who you are and acknowledge your incomparable contributions as husbands and fathers, coworkers and friends.
The world doesn’t recognize how truly amazing you are. Nor are you affirmed and encouraged as much as you should be – even within the church.
You protect and provide for your loved ones, helping them solve problems, with a deep desire to see them become the best they can be.
We admire your dedication to keep on keeping on. Even when your own needs (far too often) go unmet.
We’re here to affirm – to cheer you on – and to support you on your journey.

The Good News is …

No matter what your pastor says on Father’s Day, you can put this to work in everyday life. Then watch your man transform into the leader he was created to be – right before your very eyes.

How cool is that?

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.”– EPHESIANS 3:14-17a

August 22, 2016February 15, 2020

One Flesh

Making Love is the deepest, most intimate Communication between a husband and wife. It reunites them in a way that happens with no other. Becoming One Flesh is Beautiful.

Woman is perhaps God’s greatest invention. He created her specifically to meet the relational, emotional, and physical needs of His first invention: Man. He designed her in such a way that man was automatically drawn to her in wonder … she joyously gave herself to him … and both enjoyed Joyous Rapture that could have been everlasting.

But sex has been affected by sin and shame.

The beauty of the male-female relationship became tarnished, convoluted, mixed up, and messed up. Instead of rejoicing in our differences, we are afraid of losing ourselves to the other. In our fear, we hide.

Or we seek to control and change one another to be more like ourselves … as though we were God Himself and, therefore, mindful of the only “right” way of being, which always backfires with serious and detrimental results.

Throughout history, we see examples of the exploitation of God’s creation. We see woman used and abused by man, diminished in importance by his use of her for his pleasure and power. Man is also abused by woman, diminished in importance by her use of him. There are documented cases of women being mistreated, but men are also mistreated and abused … and in more ways than we can ever imagine.

Men need women.

And they have from the very beginning. It wasn’t man’s idea. Adam was clueless about what he was missing in the Garden. But the Lord knew he would need a woman to love and to adore. And to soften him. Otherwise, he would become domineering and consumed by his power.

In His infinite wisdom, the Creator designed a woman who would possess something inherently fascinating that would make her utterly irresistible to her husband. And it’s not just about sex. Men desire women at a very deep level.

But too many women believe men are only interested in sex. Yes, they are interested in sex. Sex is very important to him. It meets an important need, but it’s not all that he needs.

That said, making love to his wife fulfills more of a man’s needs than any other single thing his wife does for him.

Making Love to his wife will naturally fulfill his needs for her
attention, affection, acceptance, appreciation, and admiration.
But that’s not all …

Making Love makes a man feel … loved!

Sadly enough, too many men have given up on being loved by a woman, which is one of man’s deepest longings. They have resigned themselves to settling for a measure of peace, giving up their hope for the fullness of a Joyous Marriage. And that’s sad.

… and the Lord has given us Hope!

‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. (Mark 10:7-8)

Because the Father’s Day message is not at all like the Mother’s Day message.